Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Spring Has Sprung

I realize how much i've been holding back for fear of being too this or that.

Too talkative, too open, too emotional, too neurotic, too sensitive, too deep, too all-over-the-place, too spacey, too changeable, too anxious, too ignorant. Or for fear of not being enough; not grounded enough, not creative enough, not talented enough, not intellectual enough, not laid back enough, not motherly enough, not practical enough, not nice enough, not patient enough.

Then there's the whole "should" game; I should exercise more, I should be more present with my little ones, I should be better about staying in touch with people, I should keep the house cleaner, I should answer the phone, compliment people more, read more, know more about politics and history...and the list just goes on and on.

I have pushed bits of myself down deep and deeper while my insides scream and scream for some relief. This is a little bit of a surprising thing to realize and really get. I've always considered myself an open person, someone that doesn't have much difficulty expressing myself.
But now i'm realizing how much more has been absolutely aching to come forth, to get out into the world, to be given a voice---TO BE EXPRESSED.

it's amazing really. I've been pushing down, ignoring, not paying close enough attention to, while my insides have been gasping for breath, struggling to rise to the surface- continually being held under. I've known for so long that i need to create but I've held so much back. I've allowed fear to take the lead. I've cared too much about what ifs. What if I'm not good enough, what if i say something that would reveal my ignorance, what if I offend someone/say too much/too little? All of these questions have stopped me. Instead of continuing forward, i've paused and turned around, walked backwards, only to return to quiet, agonizing safety.

But i can't do that anymore. i have this one life to live (as far as i know) and i want to keep moving forward. i want to be ALL of me. i want to live freely and authentically and boldly. It is from this place of truth and authenticity that i can do what i most want to do in this world, which is to touch others, to nudge them inward-toward their own special light-to their beautiful, unique place of truth.

what is there to lose? Really, the only thing that is scary is the not doing, the not expressing, the not living my truth. This is crystal clear to me right now.

As i write these words, there is a little twinge of, what if all this clarity and inspiration goes away? What if this is just another passing thing? What if I wake up tomorrow morning feeling afraid and held back again? For now, this is my answer to that: then i do. then it's just another part of my journey that i can learn and grow from, that i can accept and allow to move through me. I know too well that when i cling to a moment/a feeling/an idea, i end up creating the very thing i don't want. I know i must stay open and receive all of it. All of the beauty/questions/confusion/quiet and loud moments/doubt/joy...

So, this is where i am at this moment. in a beautiful place where doors and windows are open wide and I have a clear and pretty view--for miles and miles.

3 comments :

  1. You are a sacred gift to this planet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Girlfriend~you are knocking my socks off!! I'm so blessed to get to spend the day with you tomorrow!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
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♥ Julia