Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Here I am

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.~ Albert Schweitzer

I believe in angels.  Sometimes there are these little messages delivered at precisely the right time.  They can take the form of bumper stickers, an email from someone you've never met, a phone call, a smile from a stranger, a song, a chirping little bird, a leaf blowing in the wind, a baby's giggle, a puppy brushing against you.  They take so many forms and are all over the place all the time.  The key is to be present enough to recognize them.

I've been stuck in my head the last few days--allowing my doubting/fearful thoughts to drag me all over the place.  Thoughts like; why do I do this blogging thing anyway, do my words matter to anyone out there? Maybe i should just write for myself.  and on and on.  And pretty much the same thoughts about my painting. 

I've been feeling disconnected and a little alone on this journey, though i know this is something we all go through as artists/writers/creators.  It's not like we have someone looking over our shoulder praising us for our efforts, cheering us on in those moments when we're digging deep within ourselves for the right words, or are splattered from our elbows to our cheeks in paint.  It's just us, often battling with our critical minds--those voices that love to ask us who the hell we think we are to call ourselves artists/writers/musicians/jewelers/singers, etc...telling us we should really be bringing in an income, contributing in some way, making ourselves useful in this world. 

So, I guess to sum it up, I have felt a bit useless.  And the thing is, the one thing that I would say is most important to me is to do good in this world, to contribute in some way, to feel connected to a greater good.  I think most of us want this.  And, of course, I feel needed as a mommy and that is so very important.  It's just that I want my usefulness to expand out into the world--to reach beyond the walls of my cozy little home.  To hearts, like mine, that long for connection and inspiration. 

I feel vulnerable expressing all of this here...thinking I'll sound a little pathetic and needy, thinking I really shouldn't need others comments/approval/praise, etc...to feel good.  Like I should be able to get this all from within.  But, in writing this, I'm attempting to connect with myself, to move through these feelings, to be honest and truthful about what it is I'm feeling and what it is I need.  And in turn, to be truthful here--on this page. 

I think when we show our vulnerabilities we give others permission to show theirs.  It is an invitation to tell it like it is, to leave off the sugar coating and just speak directly from our hearts.  I know that I feel most connected to others when they are just putting their truth out there--raw and real. 

So....here I am.

And now I'm thinking how all-over-the-place and scattered and long this post is.  And, even though I'm feeling the urge to delete every word of it or, at least, to try to get some semblance of order here, there is another part of me saying; leave it, this is you--you are all over the place and scattered, let it be.  Be you.

So, back to the angel part.  My angel came to me this morning, in the form of an email, from someone named Karen, a person I've never met.  It was a simple message, a simple connection and acknowledgment--a message that let me know that she found value in my writing, that it touched her.  And, like magic, something in me expanded--like a gust of wind blew in and scattered all the doubts and stuckness up up and away into the big open sky. 

I know that ultimately it is me I must deal with.  It is up to me to work through all the doubts that bubble up inside of me, that no amount of praise will ever fill me in the way that I can fill myself.  I know that ultimately peace comes from within.  But I also know that connecting with and acknowledging one another, is a magical, expansive, beautiful thing...like a candle that burns away all the murky, muddled, doubtful stuff--and shines the light on the beauty that is always there. 

Thank you, Angel Karen, for being the spark I needed today.

3 comments :

  1. What a sweet surprise. You speak for all of us. Sometimes we just need the connection to feel inpsired to keep going--and sometimes it is nice to have it be someone new, that you haven't heard the same thing from a thousand times. I agree, though, that it is within. We are feeling that at moments, aren't we--this angel is everlasting...

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  2. Sweet Julia, YOU... are making such a difference already in this world. Your beautiful written words, your honesty, and your questioning has touched my heart and soul many times and continues to do so.

    The world is blessed because you are a mother. In time, you will see how you are making a difference in this world... by way of your children.

    Ever expanding ripples... because you are beautiful You.

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  3. I could type lots of comments on this one. As you know, I NEVER experience any of these emotions!

    Blogging, for me, is just my life...a little louder. It has to be for me, or it just doesn't make sense.

    I think it really helps humans to read about/hear about other true human experiences. It's easy to think that someone was born in the right place with the ability to create "masterpieces" from the age of 2...or whatever. Hearing about someone else's journey encourages my own. And it's not like, if she can do it, I can do it...it's more like...WOW we are all figuring this out, and her energy adds to my energy...

    I've found myself becoming more forward with art appreciation, so to speak. When I love something, I try to remember to let the artist know. I've found that some are startled, and one lovely woman I know started to cry! In a critical world, where, as you mentioned, we are typically working in isolation...we need to support each other. Yay for angel Karen for doing just that!

    You, me, everybody finding happiness (over and over again) contributes to the peace on this planet!

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia