Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Not Today

It’s been one of those mornings.

I’ve got a serious (though, I’m sure, very temporary) case of the blahs. I’m thinking it might do me some good to just crawl under that warm down comforter and go back to sleep.

You know those days that just start out yucky?

From the moment I opened my eyes, I desperately wanted to bury my head under the covers, roll over and go back to sleep. And once I finally forced my heavy self out of bed, against every bit of will I have, I couldn’t seem to pull it together. And then I was running late and every movement and task felt like trudging upstream through muck and gook and all things stinky and bad. And, everyone, even the dog and cat, wanted me at exactly the same time.

Menacing hormones, aching head, puffy, tired eyes.

You know those days when you feel like it’s been years and decades since you’ve had a proper vacation? And you’re just seriously sick and tired of doing the same old daily grind stuff (packing lunches, loading the dishwasher, cutting the crust of bread, brushing tangled little girl hair while listening to whining and more whining).

All these ordinary daily things, that I am very aware, if I were to just pause for a second and breathe, and get really present, i would recognize as beautifully lovely gifts. Most days it seems possible to be with what is. And to at least catch a glimpse of the beauty.

But not today.

As I write this there are all kinds of voices in my head telling me to stop complaining, telling me how good I have it—to stop focusing on the negative. Blah. Sometimes it’s good to just get it out on the table and look at it for a while—in all its ugly details.

Most days I could handle it when my second grader tells me I'm The worst person in the world.

But not so much today.

This morning it stung and went way below the surface.

This all started when I couldn’t get her pigtails quite right (I had already tried once and really did the very best I could). She kept saying there were too many lumps (or something). After taking too many minutes of this, I decided that, rather than get further abused by an eight-year-old, I would walk away. I told her that her sister and I would meet her in the car—we were already running late.

A few minutes later, yelling and in tears, she walks out in her socks, (it’s been raining for days and everything is wet).  And for the entire, long, painful drive to school, she repeatedly tells me I’m bad and the worst person in the world.

It was a seriously long five minutes.

Did I mention that it’s that time of the month and the hormones are scattered and crazy and all-over-the-place?

I tell this story this morning for a few reasons. One reason is that it always feels good to dump this stuff out. There is nothing worse than allowing it to fester inside.

Another reason is that I think too often we keep the "ugly" stuff inside and go on with the smiles and "hellos" and the "I'm fines.”

When really we feel like dog-doo.

And, it’s the truth for now. And I think it’s good to tell the truth.

So, that’s me today, just as I am.

How are you?

P.S:  Where is the chocolate when you need it?  Seriously.

5 comments :

  1. It's the weather. Seriously. We are all going crazy with all this rain and wind and grayness. In a few days it will be sunny again (and the PMS will be gone - not that I ever have that problem, of course! It's just my husband turns into a complete jerk like clockwork every 28 days!) and everything will be good again. Hang in there. :) We are all allowed to have crappy days. It makes the happy days that much sweeter.

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  2. Thank you for your honesty. So refreshing and healing. You are a sweet, sensitive, and loving soul. Thank you for turning you difficult moment into something creative and poignant here, that can touch me, and open my heart, to just love myself even when everyone and everything says I shouldn't. Seriously, my kids have been telling me I'm the worst mother in the whole world. I get it. It hurts. Sometimes it isn't worth the effort to try.

    I love you, sweet friend.

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  3. passing the chocolate your way....

    :)

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  4. Hi! I found your blog through Flying Lessons. :-) I love this blogpost! According to my daughter I am the most evil person in the world. It is a lot of "DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!" and stuff like that. On a good day I can simply say "I love you too" and smile (and she gets even more angry and frustrated Haha!) But on those tired days or the "hormone days", I sound more like my daughter. ;-)

    I love all the quotes on you blog!

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  5. It's the f-ing hormones. They suck. I fall into a massive pit once a month and seriously hate everyone and myself. I don't even have little kids around Julia to test me. I know you wrote this a while back but I am sending you love for this right now. hugs

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♥ Julia