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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A Little Bit of Truth

At this crazy early hour, at five minutes until five in the morning-after getting way too little sleep, consuming way too much of the "wrong" kinds of food and drinks at a wedding this weekend, after swimming in my fear for far too many days---I've decided something. 

I've decided that i can't not tell the truth anymore.  The truth.  The whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Okay, maybe not the whole truth (that would take a really long time and take up far more time than you or i have) but little bits of the truth, as i see it and feel it, and know it to be true, in this right now moment.

Whew.  Even while i write this, that sounds scary and crazy.  My tummy is buzzing and swarming and tight with that all too familiar fear.  My mind and all those familiar voices say, oh, there go a bunch of readersNot that you really even have a bunch.  And, do your really want to put all that out there?  You're going to sound depressed/needy/insecure/neurotic, etc..you're going to sound crazy

And that part of me that wants to run and hide also wants to backspace and delete and continue to play it safe.

My dad has this thing he likes to say, he says it dramatically and somewhat jokingly, typically when he's trying to make people laugh (so picture a deep voice and some deep-belly chuckling), he says, "You can't handle the truth."   These words are bouncing and bellowing around in my head right now.  Now, as i sit in this near dark room, before the sun has risen even, and attempt to empty myself into this space.  I think there is so much truth in these words.  As i turn and flip these words over in my head a few times, i think it would be truthful to say that i feel that other people can't handle my truth, or, even closer, maybe it's that i can't handle their response to my truth. 

Several months ago, i wrote this post.  It felt like a very honest, brave post, of simply putting my truth out there.  I can always tell when i'm really being truthful because i feel a huge release in telling it.  I feel lighter afterward.  This was one of those posts.  Shortly after posting it on this site, i received an email from an old friend of mine--he was concerned about me.  His concern was genuine and i  believe he was trying to be helpful, but i felt misunderstood.  It felt like i had said too much and that it wasn't okay or "normal" to be having such a range of emotions.  I felt like he now viewed me as not stable, or like a complainer or like a self-absorbed, neurotic person.  And i remember thinking that i better be careful or people will think...(fill in the blank)

Ugh. 

But here's the truth.  I'm tired of wondering what people will think.  I'm tired of holding back my truth so that i will appear stable/secure/together/positive/optimistic/grounded/professional, etc...The funny thing is i feel like i tell the truth more than most people.  I've always been described as someone who is real, who is fairly uncensored in putting my truth out there.  But when i really sit with myself and tune into my heart and head, i realize how very much i hold back, and how that hold back has everything to do with me feeling stuck in the muck right now. 

Over coffee last week i told my friend that these words have been running over and over in my mind; The truth shall set you free.  I've heard these words many many times and they are so, well...cliche, but to have them appear in my head, seemingly out of nowhere, seems a little significant.  She told me to pay attention.  I think i will.

For now i'll just say i truly know and feel that the truth will set me free.  And from the deepest depths of me, and more than just about anything else in the world, i want to be FREE.  I want to stop trying to be.  I want to simply be.  Not just the "good," "acceptable" parts of me but all of me--the ups and downs and all over-the-place parts of me. 

I want to tell you how i've been sinking up to my eyeballs in fear lately and how that fear has kept me from writing and painting and connecting with those i love.  I want to tell you about all the stupid untruths my mind has been spitting at me lately.  Things like,  you're not good enough and no one really likes your stuff and you're not really creative and your writing sucks.  My mind has been comparing me to them and telling me how i'll never measure up to the bazillion truly "talented" people out there.  You know, the "real" artists.  My mind had been telling me if people really liked my stuff, it would be selling instead of sitting buried in my cupboard.

And on and on and on.

My mind has also been telling me that i should really get it together, that i really should be contributing more financially to my family, that it's not okay to sit around and write and paint and make jewelry while my husband works his butt off.  And that, that brand new, very expensive artsy printer i just bought, was really just a waste of money--something else that will get buried in dust.  Oh, and it's been telling me that clearly my blog offers nothing because no one seems to come here or if they do they don't stay--and it wonders why so many other bloggers have so many readers and i don't--clearly they have something i don't.  It's wondered about what the point of this is anyway.

Goodness. 

Here's the truth though.  Even though i've been stuck in the muck lately, i know too much to stay here.  I know it's just another part of this being human.  And that i must lean in and write and create, not backspace and delete and run away.  I know that when i pause and listen to the space between my thoughts, there is peace there.  In those little quiet spaces, i feel my heart open and a truth from deep inside bubbles to the surface.  It tells me something truer than all that mind garble.  It tells me that there are no limits to what i can create.  It tells me that i don't have to try to be, i can simply be.  It tells me that i don't have to do anything but express myself and begin and take baby steps.  It tells me to turn the rest over--to let the details, the hows, be taken care of by that beautiful, all knowing, creative force-- that is absolutely limitless and overflowingly abundant. 

It tells me that i am enough, just as i am and to embrace every itty bitty part of myself.

Right now there are swarms and swarms of truths i could put down here but pretty soon my house will be buzzing with little girls who need "more," lunch boxes that need to be filled and all kinds of other stuff that comes with getting two little ones off to school.

So, that's it for now...a little bit of my truth.

10 comments :

  1. Your words have served to assist someone else on the path home to thmselves. Thanks.

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  2. Dear Julia,

    Brave one. I honor you. It has been so amazing to watch you on this journey, to be given so much by all of yourself that you've shared. I've told you so many times before, that it was your honesty that has set me free, and I will never be the same. I can't imagine how many others will be set free because of you, your committment to love, and your genuine desire to make a better world. Namaste, my friend.

    Love,

    Brooke

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  3. I love you, sweet being! Every itty bitty part of you and fully support your truth telling! Free to simply be, my friend. xox

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  4. I love every single thing you wrote in this post and thank you for being brave enough to say it all. I'm here, I'm reading your blog, and you just made my day better by the words in your post. Thank you.

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  5. This my first time on your blog. I'm taking the "Flying Lessons" and followed the link here! Not sure how to put this other than you sound like me. From the I'm not really an artist to the I should contribute more to the family financially to the buying the printer, will it be one more thing that gathers dust!

    Sometimes I feel like Price Charming in front of all those feet of thorny bushes, knowing what wonder is on the other side and just building up the courage to make it through the bramble! I just need to figure out how to get through there with minimum fuss and as little blood letting as possible. But get through, I will!

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  6. I am so glad I found you Julia...you are a rare and gifted individual. Your honesty is precious. I need honesty. I become disorientated without it. Too many people hold back in fear of presenting the truth to others. Truth that we are all human, all vulnerable at times, all on this earth together at the same time trying to make our own little piece of life work out. Much love. Louise

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  7. It's not just YOU, bad girlfriend! It's impressive that you have the clarity to recognize these thoughts/emotions and put them into words. Anyway, I would respond more eloquently but I have to go smack my kid who will not. shut. up. But seriously, you are not the only one carrying this stuff around. I think it's part of the human condition. Only when you pause to BE will you notice this swirl of "stuff" that is always happening in our heads.

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  8. i! I'm so happy I have found you blog! :-) I made a similar decision on my blog some days ago. I have been unhappy with my blog for a while, but I didn't know why. Then I realised it was because I was hiding a big part of me. And when I did that, I in a way told myself that that part of me was not that important. But it really is!

    I don't have a lot of readers, and I don't know yet how they will react on the change. But I have noticed in the past that it is the honest blog posts that gets most comments.

    But at the same time I feel like some people just might think I am crazy because you are not supposed to be honest. You are supposed to have a facade and fake happiness, so that other people does not have to be reminded of their own problems, sorrows and so on. ;-)

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  9. for me, honesty, to others and to Self is foremost (well, i AM a Saggitarian Moon), and blogging messed around wth that a little. it's too easy to start writing for your readers instead of yourself.

    as for amount of readers, they are drawn to blogs for many reasons, but with so many blogs around, too many to keep with, it becomes about relationship - you comment back when people comment on yours (if you honestly like their blogs) and it begins.

    one of my blogs has almost 200 followers the other less than 85 and comments are erratic. but i love the 2nd one because it's my fun place.

    as for contributing to the family. i have no problem painting and writing while husband works. IF being creative is essential to me and IF husband isn't resentful. and of course, if i'm not being wasteful.
    and if he is resentful, well, he can choose to do what makes him happy too. it's ALL a choice. the lifestyle, the luxuries, all of it.

    be true, that's all we really have.

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  10. First I just want to thank you. I read your post and thought, we are all in our own little tortured worlds/heads (at times.) I could have written this post. My guess is most women could have. I think that comparing ourselves to others is something we as artists do not talk about enough. That is one of my biggest traps I find myself in and it is so painful. When I compare myself to others I am always less than. And it is all just a story in my head. Lately I have been working to accept that I do that sometimes and that it will pass. To see it as part of the human condition. I think you said in this post about all of the spiritual books you have read- I have that same conversation with myself- I have this good life- I know better- why am I feeling like this? I just want you to know that I SO GET you. In al-anon circles people tell their stories and there is no cross-talk. Only listening. And when they are done people say "thank you for sharing." Thank you for sharing Julia.

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia