...a little fearless truth telling.
I have to admit i've been losing my steam for this blog lately.
A fellow blogging friend (who i have not yet met in person but feel like i know deep down) & i were conversing the other day (via email) about the ups and downs and the all-over-the-place-ness of blogging, and this is what she said:
"I thought about letting the blog go a few times because I get confused and wonder what I am doing. I mean is it worth it? Does anybody care? What am I doing?"
These same words could have come out of my mouth. I've had this blog for almost 3 years and have thought about all of this a lot. I realize that ultimately it's got to feed me (or the actual person who is doing the blogging). As with anything i choose to spend my time doing, i want it to be energizing rather than draining.
It's a sensitive thing, and not always an easy thing, to put your words/pictures/art out there for anyone to see; open to comment or criticism, or, (very often in my case) silence.
And then there is the comparison stuff that comes up and can be very yucky and painful...why do they have so many more readers than me? Why can someone else write about what kind of body products they use and receive 48 comments? Oh, look at their art...i could never do that.
And on and on.
As with anything that begins to bring up emotions that don't feel so good, i like to look closely. What's really going on here? Where is this yuckiness coming from?
And here are my thoughts so far. I know that one of the things i value deeply is connection. This has always been the case for me. In college, i was the one up into the wee hours of the morning--still talking, still trying to figure out and understand the deep questions of life, wanting to know what you (as in whomever i might be talking to) feel and care about, way deep down. I never wanted a conversation to end. I guess this blog has been my way of having a very long conversation.
Another reason i started blogging is that it feels good to honor my words/art by getting them out of notebooks and closets and put them in published form--that feels very satisfying. And it keeps me writing and thinking creatively.
But here's the thing-- these things could be accomplished by doing a blog just for me, not opening it to the public. But i chose to open it up for anyone to read, and i know i did that because i value connection so much.
And, right in this moment, as i write this, i'm realizing how many connections i have made; beautiful, deep, sweet, full-of-soul-connections, with so many who have happened to stumble upon my blog (and i theres). These connections may not come in the form of the comments i've been craving, or having a huge following, but in the form of deep, intimate & connecting friendships.
It's funny how we so often look passed what's right in front of us.
Hmmmm...so my little ones are up and want breakfast now, and since this is fearLESS Friday and since this is my blog and since there are no rules here, i'm not going to tie this up in a neat little bow. I feel like i've been upset and frustrated lately with this blog because i didn't feel that connectedness that i was craving but i haven't been looking quite closely enough. Writing this has helped me to look and release and be honest.
I'll leave it at that for now.