Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Friday, August 6, 2010

fearLESS Friday

Week 9

 Photo taken by Kevin Moul         Taos, New Mexico (one of my favorite places on earth)

...a little fearless truth telling.

I have to admit i've been losing my steam for this blog lately.

A fellow blogging friend (who i have not yet met in person but feel like i know deep down) & i were conversing the other day (via email) about the ups and downs and the all-over-the-place-ness of blogging, and this is what she said:

"I thought about letting the blog go a few times because I get confused and wonder what I am doing. I mean is it worth it? Does anybody care? What am I doing?"

These same words could have come out of my mouth.  I've had this blog for almost 3 years and have thought about all of this a lot. I realize that ultimately it's got to feed me (or the actual person who is doing the blogging).   As with anything i choose to spend my time doing, i want it to be energizing rather than draining.

It's a sensitive thing, and not always an easy thing, to put your words/pictures/art out there for anyone to see; open to comment or criticism, or, (very often in my case) silence. 

And then there is the comparison stuff that comes up and can be very yucky and painful...why do they have so many more readers than me? Why can someone else write about what kind of body products they use and receive 48 comments? Oh, look at their art...i could never do that.

And on and on.

As with anything that begins to bring up emotions that don't feel so good, i like to look closely.  What's really going on here?  Where is this yuckiness coming from? 

And here are my thoughts so far.  I know that one of the things i value deeply is connection.  This has always been the case for me.  In college, i was the one up into the wee hours of the morning--still talking, still trying to figure out and understand the deep questions of life, wanting to know what you (as in whomever i might be talking to) feel and care about, way deep down.  I never wanted a conversation to end.  I guess this blog has been my way of having a very long conversation.

Another reason i started blogging is that it feels good to honor my words/art by getting them out of notebooks and closets and put them in published form--that feels very satisfying.  And it keeps me writing and thinking creatively. 

But here's the thing-- these things could be accomplished by doing a blog  just for me, not opening it to the public.  But i chose to open it up for anyone to read, and i know i did that because i value connection so much. 

And, right in this moment, as i write this, i'm realizing how many connections i have made; beautiful, deep, sweet, full-of-soul-connections, with so many who have happened to stumble upon my blog (and i theres). These connections may not come in the form of the comments i've been craving, or having a huge following, but in the form of deep, intimate & connecting friendships.

It's funny how we so often look passed what's right in front of us.

Hmmmm...so my little ones are up and want breakfast now, and since this is fearLESS Friday and since this is my blog and since there are no rules here, i'm not going to tie this up in a neat little bow.  I feel like i've been upset and frustrated lately with this blog because i didn't feel that connectedness that i was craving but i haven't been looking quite closely enough.   Writing this has helped me to look and release and be honest.

I'll leave it at that for now.

12 comments :

  1. we probably would have got on well in college. i'm a talk-until-the-wee-hours-about-the-meaning-of-life sort of person.

    i started blogging for myself. and anytime i've remotely come close to doubts or comparisons, etc, i remind myself of that simple fact.

    the only issue i have is that it's extremely time consuming. i'm all about the connections as well, so that means visiting at least 20 blogs a week, usually twice that. i love visiting, i know the magic of commenting/connecting... but phew it's tiring.

    i love the idea of blogs connected somehow in a forum. but then the uniqueness of blogging is lost... and as a person who loves many things, i could never find the perfect forum.

    anyway, slight tangent... lol. ultimately i try to find a balance - blog for me while it feels good, and accept it takes effort to connect with others. which is not different to real life... in taking time to make phonecalls or meet up.

    what a ramble!

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  2. in your lifes journey, there will be excitement and fulfillment, boredom and routine, and even the occasional train wreck.... but when you have picked a dream that is bigger than you personally, that truly reflects the ideals that you cherish, and that can positively affect others, then you will always have another reason for carrying on--pamela melroy

    writing is not easy for me so i have found a love for inspirational quotes. i am always in search of them as they help guide me through everyday life. your blog truly inpires me, i love your quotes, writings and paintings. i am so glad to have found you--you are an amazing woman with an amazing talent.

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  3. So, the essence of this blog is that you are becoming free by telling your truth, honoring it and sharing it, so that you can continue to share all the good of you, and connect with others, your sacred heart's desire. Keep doing it your way, because you wear your way so beautifully. Congratulations on moving through to seeing what beautiful relationships you have made through your blog, even if counts and comments can always be compared, and leave you feeling less than-- You are such an inspiration and I believe that your connecting with others is such a gift. I know this is the case for me!

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  4. I think we all go through that. Kolleen (heartwingsisters blog) and I discussed the same thing months ago. I was spending way too much time comparing too:-)
    My answer to myself as to why I blog, why I put myself out there ended up for me being this. I'm more motivated to create when I can share it. So I stopped spending as much time on blogs and comparing as I just did playing in my studio and taking short breaks to pop on over to say hello to people I've connected with. It's still hard, but I'm finding peace with it.

    I hope you keep it up, you are a deep and beautiful soul and you have so much to share:-)

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  5. i go back to the analogy of my room..a room of my own so to speak. my blog is my room. i fix it up, hang bright curtains, dance a bit...because that is what i want do...if friends stop by my space, there are lots of comfortable cushions, and, yes, we can stay up all night... :) but...if no one is knocking, then that's just fine. i'll keep my light shining.

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  6. i love the magic of taos! i've been secretly planning a road trip.

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  7. I am new to blogging and very raw. I so recognise all that you write about comparisons and the need for connection. When this post came up on my feed and I saw your comment about losing steam I panicked and came straight over thinking you were going to stop! Your blog is so inspiring and a wonderful place to visit, I love coming here. I sometimes wish that real life would stop for a while and I could spend more time visiting in blogland as there are so many wonderful spaces, aren't there? When I got here and read a bit more, including all the comments I breathed more easily again knowing you are still going to be here. It's good to have that reminder from cypress sun about a blog being like your own room, isn't it? I sometimes forget and get hung up on no-one visiting or not being good enough etc.

    Good to know that writing things out has helped you realise something valuable.

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  8. Julia your blog is a place of truth, beauty and grace and I love popping by. There are few places even in real life to stop by and feel as if you have been touched by something good and honest. And that is your blog. It ALWAYS makes me feel better. Thank you Julia. Louise xx

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  9. Hiya julia,

    Thankyou for reminding me that its really okay to say f**k it and speak my truth no matter what. Onward..

    Nige:-)

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  10. I feel this way too sometimes, is it all worth it? Am I just wasting my precious time? But I keep returning to my blogs, there is something that the writing gives back to me that is important. Recently someone said to me, "blog as if no one is reading. blog for yourself. the rest of it will come." I think that person was wise. (And a very popular blogger by the way). So I thought I would share that with you, I loved this post, I think opening yourself up, making those connections, makes it worth it.

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  11. Oh Julia,
    Once again reading your blog has opened my heart and made me exhale when I didn't even realize I was holding my breath. What connects me to your blog and you is your openness, honesty and willingness to put yourself out there to grow spiritually and creatively. You cannot imagine the impact reading your blog and knowing you as I do has done for me- just when I am certain I am the only one who feels that way- and I am isolated and anxiety ridden, I hear you share your story and suddenly it is all OK. I actually feel good that I am feeling the same way you are! Thank you for sharing you with us. I am honored and inspired by you:)

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  12. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and openness. As I read I was thinking... yes...yes! I couldn't agree more with the ups an downs of putting yourself out there, and what if no one really cares...then what?

    But, I'm here to tell you that (as I see) I am among many(!) who benefit and connect to your little piece of blog-o-sphere, thoughts, art and so on....

    Thank you for sharing :)

    Kate

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia