Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Friday, August 20, 2010

fearLESS Friday

Week 11

"Mediocrity in any area of your life is no longer an option because either your pain is too great or your desire for true happiness is too compelling.  You want more and you know you deserve more.  There is something you're not getting and you are ready to get it.  So today is a perfect day for you to take back your power from the outer world, turn inward, and embark on the journey of reconnecting with the spirit that moves you."     Debbie Ford

A little fearless decision making....

I've always had a hard time making decisions.  Especially seemingly small and insignificant decisions--like whether to have the shrimp or pasta off the menu or whether to stay home on a given night or go to bed early.  I've never wanted to decide between this and that, i've wanted this and that.  Choosing one thing means eliminating the other.

Today i was faced with a decision; i could go on a two day/two night canoe trip with my family and a few other families or i could not go. 

Going would have meant spending a couple of days with five other adults and six children, sleeping in a tent, peeing in the woods (which i really don't have a problem with), going to bed late, waking up early, potentially many middle-of-the-night-interruptions, but most likely lots of fun. 

Staying would mean quiet time.  Time.... to walk, write, read, take deep breaths, clean the house (without interruptions), prepare for our upcoming trip to Vermont (without interruptions), time to flow without an agenda, time to flow with the rhythm of me.  Quality sleep in my own comfortable bed.

Both were very lovely choices, how could i decide?  What was the "best" decision?  What does it even mean to be the "best" decision?  How do you separate the "should" thoughts with the what-do-i-really-need right-now deeper, heart-thoughts? 

Going would have made everyone else happy, they really wanted me to go.  And i had planned to go...

What i realized in the midst of trying too hard to decide is that i just really needed to stop and listen, stop and really ask myself what it is that i am needing.  Once i did this, i knew i couldn't go.  I knew that what i need most right now is some down time, some time to stare at the sky if that's what feels right, time to allow myself to flow from one thing to the next, to listen to what  is stirring deep down.  And i also know that what is best for me, what helps me to connect back with me, is ultimately was is best for those around me.  I know that it is not possible to give from a place of depletion.

So this afternoon/evening consisted of some good, quality, necessary house cleaning/clearing, a trip to the local shelter to donate bags and more bags of clothing that have been cluttering our garage for weeks now, a trip to the local book stores to sell some books (that have been cluttering the garage for weeks now), a trip to the library to return some long-overdue books.  All of this to do stuff was followed by some very nice BEing time; a lovely dinner out, a walk by the river, some reading of a very inspiring book that i stumbled upon in the book store and had to buy, a glass of wine, some staring at a seriously gorgeous sky.  And now home, cozy on the couch, pj's on--writing.   Aside from the occasional snore from the dog, it's so quiet.

It's all felt so freeing and just right.  My mind has slowed way down--i feel my heart breathing in the fresh, spacious air.

It's so often the case that i just DO without slowing down long enough to notice that all the DOing is zapping my energy, throwing me off center, making me cranky, putting distance between me and ME, sucking me into that yucky, all-too-familiar suffering place. 

I know that the only way to stay connected to that sweet, spacious place, is to pause long enough to listen, to ask for guidance, to stop doing out of habit & conditioning and other people's ideas of what's right.  And to open wide and wider to that beautiful, spacious place that always knows just what I need.

I'm so glad i listened today.


  1. I'm so glad you listened to You too. What a beautiful post, and so beautifully written. I could feel your slow, deep, conscious breathing. I could feel the gentleness of doing what is best for you, and the support that comes to you from your family, friends, and the universe. I can also see you forging new paths for those who are finally ready to slow down and savor. Enjoy the sweetness of you. I know I am.

  2. "I know that it is not possible to give from a place of depletion."

    yes, and yet as nurturers we too often choose what will deplete us believing we are giving.

    great post.

  3. Congratulations to you! I will live vicariously through your experience. At least then I can dream of being deliciously alone - you describe it so well.

  4. Aha! I was wondering what you were up to (saw the canoe-loading but saw your car too) and now I know - viva la blogstalking! Wander down here sometime and let's hang out over (low carb?!) beer or something. Need to catch up sometime. Glad you are having some time to replenish before your big trip - enjoy!!

  5. Hey friend,
    I didn't know you were floating through this weekend solo style, too. Hasn't it been luxuriously quiet and sweet?! Hope your trip to Vermont carries the peaceful feelings of this decision to listen and brings loving connections to home and your people there :) xox

  6. What a beautiful and inspiring post Julia. I too have a hard time making decisions. (no surprise) Are you the youngest? I am, that's been my excuse, haha. I love that Brooke said, Enjoy the sweetness of you. Please do.


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♥ Julia