It's spring break here which means the girls are out of school. For the whole week.
I wish I could say that we're blissfully enjoying our time together, frolicking in the sunshine, smelling the flowers, soaking up these precious together moments.
But the honest truth (in this moment) is that I want to bolt.
Seriously, I want to hightail it out of here and leave them alone with their whining, bickering, cat-chasing, irritating, potty talking, noisiness.
I want to catch the next flight to somewhere with an ocean, somewhere warm & sunny and, preferably, far, far away.
We just got out for a walk (finally) and, despite their rambunctious, nutty, high-pitched screaming behavior, I, in a moment here & there, was able to will myself into the present moment...I noticed the chirping birds, felt the warmth of the sun, savored the moments when they ran up ahead of me. Prayed for patience. And presence and perspective.
In the middle of the deep breaths, I noticed the loud background noise...the noise that was saying, you really should be savoring them, giving them the gift of your undivided attention, enjoying the time you have with these two little girls who are growing so quickly.
This was not a nice voice.
It was a shoulding, guilt-trippy, you're-doing-a-shitty-job-at-this kind of voice.
Feeling completely drained and defeated, I climbed the front steps just in time to see the cat bolting full speed off the deck (turns out the girls were trying to force her inside our front deck bench (that opens and closes). Right next to my absolute & complete frustration, was a feeling of deep envy for the cat...envious that she had managed to break free.
After I sent them to their rooms for animal cruelty, I turned to the computer for help. And, get this, I stumbled upon these life-saving, beautifully expressed words by Karen Maezen Miller. Thank God for people who tell it like it is.
Here are her magical words...
I see the faint blush of morning light under my eyelids. I hear the dog begin to patter on the parquet in the next room. I feel the inescapable weight of the morning routine descend upon me. My husband sleeps on, undisturbed. It's up to me to begin.
Oh, the power of words. These words, in this moment, have saved me. Thank you Karen. There is such deep comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my occasional urge to bolt.
To read the rest of this article by Karen, entitled Parents, Leave Your Home, click here. It is well worth the read. I just ordered her book, Mama Zen. Please, Amazon, get it here quickly!
Okay, I feel better now. On to a brand new moment...