Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Room For It All
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." Pema Chödrön
Today has been one of those days. It started this morning when it was time to get up and I really really didn't want to. I didn't feel depressed or sad, I just very much wanted to burrow way down deep in my down comforter and sleep until I couldn't sleep anymore. I was seriously craving a day free of all things responsible. But there were little mouths to feed and little ones to get to school, lunches to make, a run that needed running, emails to respond to, groceries to be bought, household stuff that needed doing, etc, etc...
Once I managed to get my feet on the floor, my morning consisted of cringing while my little one screamed from the other room that she didn't want to get up (hmm...sound familiar?), digging through piles of unfolded laundry for matching little girl socks & just the right sweatshirt, standing on my head to get my six-year-olds too tight shoes on her feet, asking my eight-year-old for the bazillionth time to get dressed, completely losing my patience a few times for reasons I can't even remember now, searching all over the place for the car keys that I just knew were in a certain location but had somehow completely vanished, etc...
By the time I had them dropped off at school, I was completely drained of energy. On the drive out to my running spot, I noticed my thoughts were doing their best to drag me to this place of blame and guilt...feeling like I really should have had more patience, wondering if I would ever get it together, thinking of all the things I should do and shouldn't do, racking my brain for ways I could do it better next time, etc...
And then, right in the middle of my self-scolding/ feeling like things should have gone differently, I inhaled a big inhale and paused for a moment. And in the center of that pause, I noticed the sunshine, the little wispy clouds, the warmth coming through the window, the little birdie sitting on the wire, the two geese soaring side-by-side, the green green grass in the wide open field.
In other words, right in the middle of all that discomfort, I got really present and noticed the breathing world...the mind-boggling beauty all around me.
And for a moment, the story stopped. The blame stopped. The shoulds and shouldn'ts stopped. And, for a moment, I let myself feel the discomfort without trying to bolt. I let there be room for not knowing. I let myself feel the groundlessness and vulnerability of not having the answers..
And I remembered that this is life; the ebbs & flows, the ups & downs, the pleasure & discomfort, the pretty & not so pretty. The expansion & contraction. And I remembered that there is room for it all, that I don't have to push any of it away. I could just stay and be and open to whatever that moment wanted to show me.
And there I was, in the middle of a very tender, very beautiful, very whole moment.