Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I Want to Tell You
"Your life is your practice. Your spiritual practice does not occur someplace other than in your life right now, and your life is nowhere other than where you are. You are looking for answers, insight, and wisdom that you already possess. Live the life in front of you, be the life you are, and see what you find out for yourself." Karen Maezen Miller
Art by the beautiful Lori Portka
There is so much I want to tell you and I don't really know where to begin, so I think I'll just begin with these words...
I want to tell you that the book I just finished, Momma Zen, by Karen Maezen Miller, has shifted something in me, something that has wanted to shift for a long time. As much as I have always loved being a mom, there has been a part of me that has resisted fully embracing this role, like doing so would keep me from the "big" aspirations that I have. I've known for a long time that being present for what is right in front of me is the key to peace...this book solidified that for me. Thank you, Karen, for gifting me with your words.
I want to tell you about what happened on Monday when my girls were home...I turned off the computer and I turned toward them--with all of me. We ended up going to the store and getting a playground ball and chalked out some big squares on our back deck and played two square in the sunshine for hours and hours. We giggled. We had snacks. We breathed fresh air...we had a day together that felt new and present and connecting.
I want to tell you that, after months of training, on Saturday morning I ran 10 miles! 10! And that on May 1st (less than two weeks from now) I will be running the Eugene Half Marathon! I ran this same half marathon 3 years ago and am so looking forward to running it again. This training has been a huge challenge and stretch for me, there have been a lot of aches and pains and plenty of resistance, but I've stuck with it and come out on the other side. I love coming out on the other side...the view is so pretty from here. This running has been such a practice for me; a practice in presence and patience and persistence...and has reached out and touched every area of my life.
I want to tell you that my little mind is getting quieter and quieter. As much as it has wanted to take over with talk of overwhelm, as much as it tells me I should really get a plan and figure out what I'm doing with my life, that I should hurry up... the deeper part of me is taking my hand and leading the way. Instead of insisting that I do more or try harder, it tells me to sit quietly and listen, it tells me to trust, that I can simply continue to follow the energy of the moment, that I can let go of the hows and know that I will be lead every step of the way. Again and again, it tells me to let go. And, even though my stubborn mind wants to hang on tight, its voice seems to be growing fainter and fainter.
I want to tell you that this daily focus on gratitude has shifted me in ways I can't fully explain yet.
I want to tell you that when I show up for what's right in front of me, answers, insight and wisdom bubble up in perfect time, all on their very own.
I want to tell you that I love your presence here, it is one of the many blessings in my life and so very appreciated. Thank you for being here.
I want to tell you about an important decision I have made but that will have to wait until Friday...I look forward to seeing you then.