My Love

"Moments of self-assurance in motherhood do occur-joyful, satisfying, and complete-but they are just moments.  In between are long, lonely spells when you feel lost and clueless.  Ahead is another blind curve leading you somewhere you've never been.  Yes, this crying-out-loud life is your crooked path, whose bumps and bends cannot be negotiated through mere reasoning.  Time and again you'll be stripped of your preconceptions, judgments, ideas, theories, and opinions of motherhood and left to go straight on through the inexplicable experience itself.  These gulfs of incomprehension bring the opportunity for spiritual growth and self-acceptance."  Karen Maezen Miller  (From her book Momma Zen)

Today is a very special day.  

Nine years ago my tiny six and a half pound baby girl came into this world.  I'll never forget the feeling of those first days. I remember saying to my husband & friends & family that it felt like my heart was now on the outside of my body--exposed, vulnerable, so achingly, beautifully, deeply and completely full of love--love I had never before known or could have fathomed.  

I remember holding her in my arms, as close as close gets, sobbing, so full I was with love and a deep, primal need to keep her safe and sound and tiny and in my arms--for always and ever.  I remember my heart breaking for, and praying for, all the tiny babies in the world who weren't safe and sound.  

Fast forward nine years and here she is...my spirited, sensitive, beautiful, intense little girl.  How full these years have been of deep love and not knowing, of being lost and clueless, of tantrums and more tantrums, behaviors I had no idea what to do with, things I desperately wanted to fix but couldn't.  Moments of deep joy and equally deep suffering...and more deep joy.  

Oh, how full my heart is with love for this precious little girl.

These gulfs of incomprehension continually and constantly bring the opportunity for spiritual growth, for shedding and deepening--for opening and opening more to the unfathomable beauty of this love.  

I am deeply grateful to be your mommy, Marielle Quinn. Happy Birthday, sweet, sweet girl.