I am learning to listen to intuitive guidance even when, and maybe especially when, it doesn't seem to make any sense.
I am learning to put pen/pencil/oil pastel/paintbrush on paper and allow myself to be guided by something beyond my little controlling self.
I am learning to listen immediately to guidance/intuitive knowing, to not wait until my mind bullies its way in and talks me out of things.
I am learning that I can share even when, and maybe especially when, something looks messy and unfinished, even when I don't think it's "good."
I am learning that "good" doesn't matter.
I am learning that trying to be is exhausting. And that BEing is liberating.
I am learning that there is no separation between creating and life, that the nature of life is creative and that the more I let go and trust in the midst of painting/drawing, etc....the more I am able let go and trust in the midst of life.
This creature above started with a few squiggly lines, those squiggly lines led to more lines and then circles and then lines again, then birds and flowers and more circles. One moment at a time of letting go of needing to know what would come next, one moment at a time of trusting that I was being led, one moment at a time of letting go of needing to control, one moment at a time of letting go of needing to please, one moment at a time of letting go of product. One moment at a time of becoming the quiet observer, the unattached witness, the one who is curious about what will come next, the one who allows and receives rather than pushes and tries.
I am in awe of the creative process. I am in awe of what comes through when I get little wanting me out of the way. I'm in awe of whatever came through to create this bird-creature. I know she is here to teach me something, to show me something about myself-about life. I know that she would never have come through had I been trying. I know that the letting go that happened in order for her to be birthed, was incredibly healing. The way in which she was created was sacred and everything in me wants/needs to hold the space for what is sacred, for what is healing, for what is real and rich and full of love.
And then there is little wanting me. She is very afraid & wants desperately to speak her fears, she tells me to DO DO DO! She tells me I should find a way to get my book published, she tells me I should learn software programs that will enable me to format my book, she tells me I'm not DOing enough, that I'm never doing enough. That it's not good, that it will never be good enough. She tells me that creating this book needs to be hard, serious work, she tells me that there is an incredible urgency here. She is afraid to press "publish," she is afraid of what you will think. She thinks product is more important than process. This afraid part can be very noisy sometimes.
And then there is this other part...the soft, quiet, gentle, knowing part that says--shhhhhh, it's okay, get quiet, turn within--you know what to do or not to do, this can be light & playful, you can be guided and led every step of the way, you don't need to do it the old way--in fact, you can't possibly do it the old way anymore--you're not meant to do it the old way. All you need to do is fill yourself with light, nurture the heck out of yourself, find the gifts, Trust with a capital T, know that it's all happening in perfect order, at exactly the right time. Allow yourself to be guided. The path will be illuminated one step at a time. It's safe to let go. It's safe to let go.
One thing I know for sure is that no amount of doing or having, no amount of creating something "good" will ever be enough if I'm not honoring what is real and true in me. It is not "good" that matters, it's the honest gesture that matters, it's presence and integrity and authenticity that matters. It's Truth that matters. It's how I feel in the midst of creation and how that feeling (and what manifests from that feeling) fills and heals that matters. It's Love that matters. When I let go of result I am free to be myself. No aesthetic concept can replace what is authentic. Yep, this I know for sure.
Thank you bird friend, thank you creative process, thank you life for teaching me so much.