Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. Rumi

love

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

One Voiceless Voice



"The shifting voices of a thousand selves eventually must tire and dwindle.  One voiceless voice dwells in the void and discerns.  Wait and you shall have the knowledge you seek.  Rush and your anxiety will answer you."  Tama Kieves

Photo taken on my light-filled walk yesterday

I don't even know where to begin with this but I know I must begin somewhere.  There is an energy swirling around me and inside of me that I don't know what to do with--at least that's what my mind tells me.  It keeps telling me, over and over again, that I don't know what to do, what to focus on, which direction to take.  

Ha! silly mind--you no longer get to decide.  

An ex-boyfriend of mine once told me that I am very smart "in an extremely non-linear way."  Something in me wanted to be insulted by this evaluation of my intelligence but I knew just what he meant.  The thing I'm realizing right now as I write this, and one of the reasons that there has been such a sense of struggle, is that I've really tried (to some degree) to force myself into linear-ness.  As all-over-the-place as I've always been, as much as there is this fireball in me wanting to burst the hell finally open, I've tried to contain it...to hold it down, to keep it quiet, to be polite and not TOO MUCH of anything.  I haven't wanted to be too much.  Whatever too means.

But here's the thing...or one of the things.  Okay, the words are moving much faster than my hands can right now.  And my heart is beating, beating out of my chest and I feel like I want to jump the hell up and SCREAM and Dance and DRUM and MOVE this energy right on out of here.  The thing is, this containing, this holding it down, holding it in, is TOO much for me, it's been TOO much for me for a long long time and DAMN IT...it's time to set it free. To blast it the hell out of here.  I cannot, I REPEAT, I CANNOT contain it anymore.  Whatever IT is.

Whew.  Okay.  Breathing now.  Slowing down.  Listening.  Heart still beating very fast.  What I really want to say is that I'm tired.  I'm tired of listening to the shifting voices of a thousand selves.  So very tired of sitting pretty (whatever that means...it just came out so I let it), of allowing this mind to step in the way of the whole bigness of me.  I am so very tired of trying to put it all tidy & in order, in a straight little line, when that's not me.  I am not neat and ordered.  I repeat!  I AM NOT NEAT AND ORDERED!!!!!   Hell, I don't even want to be neat and ordered.

I had a powerful and important dream last night that there was a fire...it was in the fireplace at first, contained, warm, fine.  And then it wasn't contained--suddenly it got out of control, started bursting out all over the place, burning things that shouldn't be burned, burning things I wanted to save.  I jumped up (in a frantic state) and started grabbing for things I needed to save (my journal) and got increasingly more anxious as I tried to decide what to save and what to let burn.  When suddenly it occurred to me that I could put the fire out.  

That I could put the fire out.  

So, I grabbed a hose, turned on the spigot and started blasting away at that fire!  When I realized the faucet wasn't on full force, I turned the dial all the way up and, OH!  THE POWER....the power in watching myself (with the help of my beautiful friend, the hose) put out those huge, jumping, burning flames. And when the water from that hose, from my hands, burned away all those flames, I stood there giddy as hell.  Giddy and so very fully empowered.  

This dream gave me so much insight that I don't have time to go fully into here.  Let's just say that in the midst of this 41 days of creative/dream play--there are some serious things being brought to my awareness, some serious things wanting like hell to be burned away.  This dream pointed to many of those things.  It is being asked, insisted, that I stop dancing around this burning flame that is inside of me. (Thank you, Brooke, for giving me those just-right words.)  I am being asked to jump in full force--with all the power inside of me.  I am being called to LET GO of all that stands in my way.  I am being called and it is so time to listen.  To LISTEN.  

Last night, before bed, after a pretty excruciating day of battling with my mind/with resistance/with so much I can't even name, I wrote this little letter to my mind/my thoughts.  Here it is, raw and (mostly) unedited:

Dear thoughts,

Listen, you tight-assed bitches!  (Insert image of me grabbing my thoughts by imaginary shirt collar.)  I've had enough of you, seriously enough.  You're outdated, out of style, out to lunch.  You've seriously overstayed your welcome.  Can you please just take a hike or go play in traffic.  Feel free to jump off a bridge if you're so inclined.  You're wearing on me and I'm tired.  

You may feel you're being helpful, that you're keeping me safe, but, really, you're driving me batty.  You're driving me to drink, to eat excessive Halloween candy, to pace, to snap, to obsess, to doubt, to second-guess my every move, to not begin, to stop in the midst of starting.  

I'm a big girl now and I have a heart full of love that needs to be sprinkled around.  I don't need you interfering anymore with what I know I'm here to do.  I've got hands to hold, hearts to feed, words to write, pictures to paint.  


I've got a Me to be.

I will no longer allow you to trespass on my dreams, on my heart.  Feel free to gaze from afar as I take giant leaps in the direction of my bliss.  Feel free to high-five me as I'm soaring  in the lightness above you.  Feel free to eat my dust.  Just stay the hell off my property, you're not welcome here anymore.  I raise my arms in surrender, I will not fight you anymore.  

One voiceless voice...I'm all ears, all heart, all openness.  

And I think after getting all that out, and, because I know there is no force more powerful than love, I can say...

In Peace & Love,

Julia


13 comments :

  1. I honor the gift of your dream.
    Recognizing the healing power of it, the message in it intended only for you.

    And I celebrate your courage, both in the dream and in your outer life, where you face those flames and put out the fire yourself.

    Blessings and peace to you my dear friend...

    Deb

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  2. LOVE this. Your dream was amazing. If that's not a message from the you that has so much to do and give and create, I don't know what is.

    I think you've been in the midst of this leap for a while, it's just a matter of shaking off the stuff that holds you closer to the ground than you should be. From here, it's so obvious that you are clearly meant for flight. And whenever I get scared of flight, I remind myself how many people will be there to catch me if I fall. You too.

    Be magnificent. Or, maybe just recognize how magnificent you are.

    Big love. xoxo

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  3. I agree with J. Not only will be here if you fall, we WANT to be here. We love you, because of who you are in this very moment. You have given me everything by being brave enough to show up with your very own brand of love, and to be open to letting it blossom into even greater love. You are a truth soldier.

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  4. My dear, powerful friend. I can see you taking your "giant leaps" and "soaring in the lightness".

    Love the image of those tight-assed bitches going down in flames! You're burning through this, and ALL the LOVE that IS YOU is shining through. Your courage is inspiration to us ALL!!

    In Peace and Love.

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  5. Wow, I have goose bumps. Sending you lots of love my dear friend:)

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  6. Julia,

    WoW! I am spinning from your words. I feel your, fire, your drive, and your untidiness.

    You have an amazing gift, you are a beautiful writer, artist, being.

    xoxo

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  7. Oh Julia,

    I can't tell you what this post means to me. What it did to me and stirred up inside of me. I feel so deeply with what you are saying.

    You are just amazing. You are my inspiration. I can tell just how much you have to offer the world - and it is limitless. I know that what ever it is you want - you can achieve it, you can be it, you can have it, you can know it.

    I don't even know what to say, except that I feel your words and your heart. I understand. I'm there with you.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you. I look forward to reading more.

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  8. Deb, J, Brooke, Beck, Kelley, Eydie, Grace, I am overflowingly grateful for each of you. Thank you so much for your on-going support/encouragement/love-it means more than I can express.

    With so much love,

    Julia

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  9. Hello,

    I'm stopping by thru the link on Deborah's blog. What a powerful and heartfelt post. I can understand why you would have this dream, what a vivid dream that was. There is a chill going up my back. Thank you for sharing with us. Sending you blessings.

    Dawn

    p.s. I looked at your paintings, they are all gorgeous, every single one of them.

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  10. Dear Dawn,

    Thank you so much for stopping over and for taking the time to leave your words here--your presence is so appreciated.

    With love,

    Julia

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  11. Again, I am moved to my core by your powerful words. I honor you and your courage to be ALL of you! Right here with you always.

    I love you dearly.

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  12. Ahh...my heart is buzzing with love for each of you.

    <3 Julia

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  13. I too am buzzing from your powerful words! Inspired by your TRUE VOICE and excited to find the power in my OWN true voice! I have lived in my head, by my head, for my head for too long....it is TIME to live with my whole heart!!!Your words, your journey, this creative dream play adventure I have joined...are all helping me along! THANK YOU!

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia