I've got a Me to be.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
One Voiceless Voice
"The shifting voices of a thousand selves eventually must tire and dwindle. One voiceless voice dwells in the void and discerns. Wait and you shall have the knowledge you seek. Rush and your anxiety will answer you." Tama Kieves
I don't even know where to begin with this but I know I must begin somewhere. There is an energy swirling around me and inside of me that I don't know what to do with--at least that's what my mind tells me. It keeps telling me, over and over again, that I don't know what to do, what to focus on, which direction to take.
Ha! silly mind--you no longer get to decide.
An ex-boyfriend of mine once told me that I am very smart "in an extremely non-linear way." Something in me wanted to be insulted by this evaluation of my intelligence but I knew just what he meant. The thing I'm realizing right now as I write this, and one of the reasons that there has been such a sense of struggle, is that I've really tried (to some degree) to force myself into linear-ness. As all-over-the-place as I've always been, as much as there is this fireball in me wanting to burst the hell finally open, I've tried to contain it...to hold it down, to keep it quiet, to be polite and not TOO MUCH of anything. I haven't wanted to be too much. Whatever too means.
But here's the thing...or one of the things. Okay, the words are moving much faster than my hands can right now. And my heart is beating, beating out of my chest and I feel like I want to jump the hell up and SCREAM and Dance and DRUM and MOVE this energy right on out of here. The thing is, this containing, this holding it down, holding it in, is TOO much for me, it's been TOO much for me for a long long time and DAMN IT...it's time to set it free. To blast it the hell out of here. I cannot, I REPEAT, I CANNOT contain it anymore. Whatever IT is.
Whew. Okay. Breathing now. Slowing down. Listening. Heart still beating very fast. What I really want to say is that I'm tired. I'm tired of listening to the shifting voices of a thousand selves. So very tired of sitting pretty (whatever that means...it just came out so I let it), of allowing this mind to step in the way of the whole bigness of me. I am so very tired of trying to put it all tidy & in order, in a straight little line, when that's not me. I am not neat and ordered. I repeat! I AM NOT NEAT AND ORDERED!!!!! Hell, I don't even want to be neat and ordered.
I had a powerful and important dream last night that there was a fire...it was in the fireplace at first, contained, warm, fine. And then it wasn't contained--suddenly it got out of control, started bursting out all over the place, burning things that shouldn't be burned, burning things I wanted to save. I jumped up (in a frantic state) and started grabbing for things I needed to save (my journal) and got increasingly more anxious as I tried to decide what to save and what to let burn. When suddenly it occurred to me that I could put the fire out.
That I could put the fire out.
So, I grabbed a hose, turned on the spigot and started blasting away at that fire! When I realized the faucet wasn't on full force, I turned the dial all the way up and, OH! THE POWER....the power in watching myself (with the help of my beautiful friend, the hose) put out those huge, jumping, burning flames. And when the water from that hose, from my hands, burned away all those flames, I stood there giddy as hell. Giddy and so very fully empowered.
This dream gave me so much insight that I don't have time to go fully into here. Let's just say that in the midst of this 41 days of creative/dream play--there are some serious things being brought to my awareness, some serious things wanting like hell to be burned away. This dream pointed to many of those things. It is being asked, insisted, that I stop dancing around this burning flame that is inside of me. (Thank you, Brooke, for giving me those just-right words.) I am being asked to jump in full force--with all the power inside of me. I am being called to LET GO of all that stands in my way. I am being called and it is so time to listen. To LISTEN.
Last night, before bed, after a pretty excruciating day of battling with my mind/with resistance/with so much I can't even name, I wrote this little letter to my mind/my thoughts. Here it is, raw and (mostly) unedited:
Listen, you tight-assed bitches! (Insert image of me grabbing my thoughts by imaginary shirt collar.) I've had enough of you, seriously enough. You're outdated, out of style, out to lunch. You've seriously overstayed your welcome. Can you please just take a hike or go play in traffic. Feel free to jump off a bridge if you're so inclined. You're wearing on me and I'm tired.
You may feel you're being helpful, that you're keeping me safe, but, really, you're driving me batty. You're driving me to drink, to eat excessive Halloween candy, to pace, to snap, to obsess, to doubt, to second-guess my every move, to not begin, to stop in the midst of starting.
I'm a big girl now and I have a heart full of love that needs to be sprinkled around. I don't need you interfering anymore with what I know I'm here to do. I've got hands to hold, hearts to feed, words to write, pictures to paint.
I've got a Me to be.
I've got a Me to be.
I will no longer allow you to trespass on my dreams, on my heart. Feel free to gaze from afar as I take giant leaps in the direction of my bliss. Feel free to high-five me as I'm soaring in the lightness above you. Feel free to eat my dust. Just stay the hell off my property, you're not welcome here anymore. I raise my arms in surrender, I will not fight you anymore.
One voiceless voice...I'm all ears, all heart, all openness.
And I think after getting all that out, and, because I know there is no force more powerful than love, I can say...
In Peace & Love,