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Friday, January 27, 2012

Talk #2! Letting Go, Letting Go, Letting Go! of the Need for Approval!

"On this inside-out, inspired path to true work, the relationship we develop with ourselves is more important than anything else.  There is nothing else.  All work we love comes from the love we give to ourselves."  Tama Kieves

Photo by Kevin Moul,   Taos, New Mexico

Okay, below is the second audio. (!)  I'm having so much fun with these!  (Click here to listen to my first.) It feels incredibly freeing to be using my voice in this way.  Thank you, thank you, each of you, for sharing your thoughts/insights on my last post.  I absolutely loved hearing from you.

If you haven't already joined beautiful  J and me in the 6-word day fun, it's not too late. Click here & come play with us! These little glimpses into each other's days has been so rich and sweet and connecting (and occasionally pretty hilarious).  I have been continually (pleasantly) surprised at how big this "little" project feels.

***I have a question for there something in your life that you LOVE to do (or think you would love to do) but don't do because fear holds you back?  Maybe you're afraid someone won't approve or you're not "good enough"?   Ask yourself this:  Is external approval more important or is your own approval/joy/aliveness more important?  Isn't it seriously time to let this the *f* go?   

Talk #2!  Letting Go, Letting Go, Letting Go of the Need for Approval!

Earphones recommended  :)  The volume is a wee bit low


  1. *sigh*

    Your question is "Is external approval more important or is your own approval/joy/aliveness more important? Isn't it seriously time to let this the *f* go?"

    My answer to both, as painful as it is to admit: Yes, and yes. I am in this place right now, deep and old and sticky, where I can see, I am aware, but I can't seem to move, or I am moving so slowly, it's hardly noticeable. 30+ years of habitual patterns, ways of being is really hard to shift. Maybe the worst of it isn't that I can't seem to do this quickly, but I double my own suffering by beating myself up, criticizing the fact that I am smashing myself to bits--as if that has ever helped.

    I don't know if you read Metta Drum, but Daniel posted something, "The Great Lesson of Loneliness" in which he said "Without self-love, you look to others for validation and approval. You externalize your power. You wait for outside signals to let you know that it's OK to accept yourself, to love yourself, to be yourself."


    I'm trying, and as I try, struggle, fuss, collapse, get back up, and let go, it is so, so, so helpful to be supported, encouraged, inspired. Thank you.

  2. Jill...there is so much I want to say to you right now. First, I can't tell you how much what you have said above resonates--it can be so damn hard sometimes, can't it?

    I was just describing to my husband this morning how completely paralyzed I feel sometimes, how very hard it can be to keep moving forward, to keep the faith when it seems nothing much is happening.

    Now it's my turn to sigh...

    It is such a comfort to know that you and so many beautiful other souls are right here with me--I don't even have to use a lot of words--you just know. I love Daniel's quote, so much truth there. Do you see how the message you needed to hear was right there for you? It really all comes down to self-love, being gentle with ourselves, the beating up only keeps us right where we've always been.

    It can be so hard to be patient, to trust that if we are moving in the direction of what is calling us, things will unfold in perfect timing. But the message I keep getting when I slow way down and get really present is just patient, trust.

    I am right here with you, my friend. Thank you so very much for taking the time to connect-it means everything. Please, please know that you are never alone.

    So much love to you,


    1. I have been coming back to this response over the past few days, and every time I read it, I see something different, but always the love, the support, the encouragement. Again, thank you.

      Today, I see this: "be patient, trust" and it is added to other messages to be kind and gentle and have a sense of humor, relax.

      I love how the work we all do individually gets shared and what we each know, what we discover and know, fills in little sections, refines the map that we are all making to joy, grace, love, forgiveness, freedom--leading right to the center of our hearts, life.

  3. I'm saying a loud "Yes!" to your audio and to the comments you shared here. We are never alone, and so many of us struggle with the very same issues..the internal critic that talks us out of things, the problem of not really loving ourselves enough to feel comfortable even in a bathing suit (I can SO relate to that).

    Recently, through an online course I am taking now (Mondo Beyondo), the words "I am held in a Divine embrace" came to me. What my faith tradition never taught me I am now coming to understand. And this came through a woman, sharing her wisdom in her own words. (I have to keep saying this to myself because the inner critic keeps trying to tell me otherwise. Isn't that true for many of us?)

    We have to seek one another out and encourage each other in this. It is so encouraging to know that we are not alone.

    Your own wisdom, rather than a quote from another author, is what resonates in your audio, Julia. Sharing your story, your experience, your frustrations, your lessons learned, your poetry...all of the wisdom within you is a blessing to us.

    1. Beautiful Deb. To say that I appreciate your words here would be such an understatement. They touched me deeply. I've been thinking about you ever since I read them and am just finally getting here to respond. Thank you so very much for taking the time to listen and to write your words/share your thoughts.

      I so agree that it is incredibly important (and vitally necessary) that we support one another-what a difference a few words can make.

      As far as not feeling comfortable in a bathing suit, oh, I could go on and on about that. I too can completely relate. Unfortunately, I think most women can.

      Thank you again for being here, Deb. I just really appreciate you.

      With love,


    2. Deborah--I took Mondo Beyondo last session. It truly was an invitation to wake up and live. So happy you are experiencing it too.

  4. This is so inspiring...and so necessary. Letting go of that external need for approval is a life's work. Ongoing....
    Love how you've made me think about it here. Thank-you for the gift!

    1. Dear Marcie,

      Yes, it's definitely a life's work and a moment to moment practice--ongoing, for sure.

      Your presence is truly a gift. Thank you so much for being here.

      Sending love your way,


  5. Thank you for this thought today. I haven't listened to your audio because I am at work. But your words are wise and it really did help me today.

    1. Cindy, thank you for taking the time to connect, for being here.

      Sending you love,


  6. Late, as always, and I don't just want to focus on body image because I know your point is larger, but I wanted to share something. In her 30s, my best friend said that she was looking at pictures of herself in her 20s (when she'd been terribly embarrassed to wear a bathing suit, despite that she competed in water skiing tournaments), and she thought, "Wow. I looked great. I wish I could have known that in my 30s, I'd long to look like that."

    Now we're both in our 40s and we see pictures of ourselves in our 30s and we think the same thing. Apparently, we did not learn the lesson, but it's such a GREAT lesson to learn. In a (glorious) way, the lesson is this: We are, right now, beautiful in ways we can't fully appreciate or comprehend... yet.

    I like that you're on a mission. I'll join you. External validation is a big, big thing for me. My nemesis. ;)

    1. J, I've had this same discussion with friends...looking back we wonder what our problem was, we wonder why we didn't appreciate what we had when we had it...our whole entire lives can be this way if we don't stop the silliness. It's more than silly, it can be incredibly painful and debilitating.

      Sigh...ugh, this must stop.

      I love that you'll be joining me on this mission. I love that you're here right now.

      As always, J, I so appreciate your perspective. Thank you for being here...late or not late, I'll take you anytime. :)

  7. So lovely to hear you here and your wisdom, my friend, and what beautiful comments and connecting here. Sending love to all of you. Thank you, Julia, for letting us share a quiet moment of sweetness with you and your kitty, full love love and truth.XO

    1. Brooke, my friend. Your words always fill me up and remind me that I'm loved--you're such a gift to me.

      Thank you for your continual willingness to do whatever it takes to shed the shit and show up for love.

      With so much love,


  8. Julia, I'm so glad that you found your voice;)
    Needing that approval puts one on a seesaw with many ups and downs. If they like you, you're high, if they don't, you're low. It's confusing and halts the creative flow from an honest place.

    I start and stop sometimes, allowing the inner critic a front row seat to my life, where she chops my feet off and makes it impossible for me to move. It's funny how we can go through a long period of time ignoring this critic and then when the stakes get high, and directions change, we have to start from the beginning again.

    It's like life is in layers and at each layer we learn the same lessons only at a higher level.

    With that said, I'm tearing off a few strips of duct tape and taping the critic's mouth shut. Funny how she sounds just like me.

    You're such a treasure my dear.

  9. Leah, oh, how I can relate to every word you write here. I think anyone who is alive can relate...

    I am all too familiar with the seesaw, ups and downs and all-over-the-places. It can be so damn exhausting and isn't something I'm at all interested in anymore. I'm hopping off this damn seesaw...I swear, I'm getting dizzy with all of the ups and downs.

    I understand that it's just part of life to have the ebbs and flows and I appreciate that but I'm ready to stop creating what no longer needs to be created.

    And I agree, it seems to be the same lessons over and over again..each time penetrating a bit deeper.

    With all of that said, would you please pass some of that duct tape?

    Here's to moving anyway, regardless of what those damn voices are saying. They're full of it. And you, my friend, are amazing.

    Sending so much love your way,


  10. Julia, I like what you said about creating these negative voices or emotions. We really do don't we. We create belief systems, like little religions, and then we bow down to them. Sick! LOL!!

    Passing the duct tape (and a shovel and some lime).


  11. Leah, I'm always amazed (and not so amazed) when beautiful women, incredible writers like you have any doubt at all. It is so crystal clear to me that you must just plow through those bully voices that tell you anything otherwise...just walk right through them my friend. Don't let them slow you down for another second. Seriously! See them over there with the duct tape on? Don't they look ridiculous?

    Okay, now I'm laughing. They look so damn dumb. And they are dumb and perfectly harmless if we just laugh and keep moving.

    Come on, take my hand! Here we go!

    I think you're amazing, my friend. Thank you so much for blessing my life with your sweet presence.

    Hugs right back,



What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia