Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.
Monday, March 5, 2012
My Leap of Faith
"There is no risk free life. You only get to choose which risk you’ll take. I say--bet on the sure thing. Bet on love. Spend your life on faith. Take the road that makes you stronger. Going after things you want, whether or not you get them, makes you stronger." Tama Kieves
Gorgeous image found on my beautiful friend Alia'sFacebook page
Maybe I'm just completely, totally, utterly naive. Stupid, even.
Or maybe I'm listening to a voice deep within me that knows something my little brain can't possibly comprehend.
Or maybe I'm delusional, totally insane.
Or maybe I'm honoring myself, my deepest parts, in a way that is so painfully overdue, so preciously authentic, so exactly what I need. Maybe this is the only way I can do it. Maybe, no matter what happens, this listening, this honoring, this letting go and opening, this falling back on faith is all that truly matters.
Maybe I should have scoured every possibility out there to BE "SURE" I was making the "right" decision.
Or maybe I can trust that I already know, that it's not so much about the exact decision I make but about me stepping, boldly...softly, with both feet, with the whole of myself. Maybe it's about knowing, trusting, that, regardless of any outcome, I can handle it. That I can more than handle it...that I will learn and thrive and rock whatever happens.
I did something on Friday that, to some, may seem totally impractical/misguided/idiotic.
I made the decision to withdraw money (that I earned while teaching 4th grade way back when) out of my IRA account (with major tax penalties, of course) so that I can move forward with self-publishing my book of poetry/art.
After too much listening of too many limiting/constricting/doubting voices (in my head) arguing, bickering, battling over this option and that option, I DECIDED.
I just decided
that I'm moving forward with this no matter what. I decided there will be no more waiting, no more looking into the infinite options out there, no more asking other's opinions, no more looking to any other to decide whether my words/art are worthy of publishing.
I decided just to MOVE, to LISTEN to the quiet, patient, deep inside voice that was barely audible over all the rest. I decided to listen to the one voice that spoke of possibility and trust and expansiveness and boundlessness and unfathomable magic. The voice that kept saying--DO IT YOUR WAY, it's got to be YOUR way. You don't have to wait anymore.
So, I'm not waiting anymore.
Friday morning, right after I withdrew the money (with a great sense of resolve and I- want-to-shimmy kind of empowerment) I purchased a publishing package. As my fingers were clicking away (checking off agreement boxes and entering debit card numbers and personal information), that feeling of resolve and empowerment expanded and expanded. I felt giddy. I felt peacefully quiet. I felt strong. I felt badass. I felt like high-fiving myself.
Finally, I have made a decision.
With a magnificent feeling of resolve, I've decided to ignore the voices that insist I should be careful & play it safe.
I've decided to seriously trust the voice that speaks of creating a life of magic and possibility.
I've decided that a life of magic and possibility does not happen by playing it safe or by making other's opinions/thoughts/judgments more important than my own.
I've decided that true comfort, true peace, true bliss, true love come from stepping out of my "comfort" zone and into (firmly, with the whole of my Self) my most expansive, Real, magical Self.
Regardless of what happens, regardless of any external "success," I am listening to something deep within me and I know there is nothing more important than this kind of listening. Somehow the fact that this was an "impractical" thing to do seems important, critical even. The impracticality of this decision, the leaping, with no idea what's on the other side, seems entirely the point. If I could see the big safety net there before I decided to leap, this wouldn't require nearly as much faith. I'm fully falling back on faith here and I am absolutely certain that this is the kind of falling that invites unfathomable magic in.
Regardless of what happens, I know that not moving, thinking I needed to scour every possible option out there, that I needed some huge sign/signal/nod of approval before I moved forward, was killing me slowly. Keeping me small and breathless. Sucking the life out of me.
And I know that deciding, moving, trusting, feels like a deep, cleansing, expansive, life-giving breath of fresh air.
I've decided that the only real safety net is faith. The safety net is me listening to and trusting myself right now, in this very moment. Trusting that, no matter what happens, I can more than handle it. The safety net is me doing it my way, one baby step after another.
This deciding, this leap of faith, feels like the greatest expression of love I can give myself. I can't imagine anything more magical than that.
Woohoos, toasts & high-fives all around!
"Every action you take towards your dream is a brick in the temple. Every action is devotion. Every action is the opposite of dying. Every action summons the secret helpers. Every action inspires new brain chemistry and heart rhythms. Every action is an expression of love for yourself." Tama Kieves