Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Could I Give Myself the Freedom Today?


I'm in love with this bird.  Photo found here


Could I give myself the freedom to not edit this poem, to not have to call it a poem at all, to let it come out the way it wants to, nothing in the way--no "wiser ones" telling me not to.  No fancy rules or line breaks no right or wrong.  Half unpacked suitcase, breakfast dishes strewn--can the mess wait while I begin anyway?  Could i allow myself to stand in the center for a while, coffee cup in hand--the one we bought for her just before she died
too soon.  Could i allow this ache for connection to penetrate deeper, to not be afraid of how this want of something hurts my heart.  But only for a little while.  And how allowing myself to feel the whole of it softens the hard and lets me breathe finally.  Could I tell you about those dear ones on the airplane?  I planned on reading my book and maybe taking a nap but instead I brushed shoulders with 80-year-old him  and listened as he told me about his wife of 60 years and how her faith in him saved his life.  And how the tears came when he told me this because I knew just what he meant. Or how, on the other leg of my trip, he made me feel safe and listened to and told me about his dream to write and I felt the inevitable-ness and right-ness of this like I had known it always.  Or maybe I could tell the story of my moments holding your six-something pound body, the way you hiccuped until I thought you'd never stop and made purring cat sounds beside me.  Or how, when you got extra hungry you tried to nurse my chin and this made me laugh out loud at three in the morning Vermont time.  Or how the goodness of spending half the sacred night with you, just the two of us, was nearly too much sweetness for my heart to handle.  Thousands of miles between us now, I imagine the tiny weight of you and miss you like a part of me has left. Could I tell you about that night she stood in her perfect kitchen and threw hate at hate and how, when I heard her words, I felt sick deep in my stomach until I prayed and asked for help and heard this with crystal unquestionable clarity...

Meet hate with love.  
Meet indifference with love.
Meet fear with love.
Meet condemnation with love.
Meet sadness with love.
Meet violence with love.
Meet misunderstanding with love.
Meet ignorance with love.
Meet shame with love.
Meet guilt with love.
Meet cruelty with love.
Meet aggression with love.
Meet loss with love.
Meet grief with love.

Meet love with more love.

And I knew the truth of this in the deepest center of me.

Could I give myself the freedom
to show up today, just like this
un-together
tired
happy to be
home

Could you?

18 comments :

  1. So much poignancy in your words. They just flow seamlessly. We need to give ourselves permission.

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  2. Cat, thank you for visiting me today-my day is richer because of it/you.

    Big YES-es to giving ourselves permission! Again and again, let us begin...

    Love to you.

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  3. I love you and am so grateful to have you in my life. Your words shift something within me and remind me to let go of everything that is not love.

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    1. Alia, my love...there are no words. Huge embraces.

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  4. I like this 'un-together' you.

    Being brave enough to share this You is what inspires me to be a better Me.

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    1. Deb, I love the you that you so clearly are--the one that shines through every photograph you take, every word you write, every treasured comment you leave here...I am so very blessed by the light that is you.

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  5. So beautiful Jules, your words made me cry. William is so lucky to have you as his aunt, he misses you dearly :) love you,
    Amy xx

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    Replies
    1. Oh, how I love that little one & you my beautiful, brave sister. Thank you for making me an aunt, for being a sister that sees.

      I love you so.

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  6. Thank you for sharing such inspiring thoughts which reminds us of the joy of loving the moment.

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    Replies
    1. You are so very welcome. Thank you for leaving your words for me--such a blessing for my day.

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  7. thank you for letting yourself
    feel this
    say this
    share this
    be this
    i am feeling the love
    and it SHINES

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    Replies
    1. Dear Christy. Thank you for coming here and gifting me with your shine. I so appreciate you.

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  8. Julia, this is utter beauty. As Cat said above, the seamlessness here is a treasure. How you convey that everything is connected in this life. And even with these disparate experiences -- from the house mess to the tender conversations on the airplane (and putting aside your own expectations even there) to the chin nursing by your precious nephew to even the hate spewed in the kitchen...the overarching response is love. Love. More love. You give permission here to feel it all. Not classify it. Not pretty it up. Just feel it. And in your sharing, we are given permission to be free and right here, too. How I love your glowing, radiant, feeling heart!

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    1. Ashley, once again I find myself without words to adequately express the depth of my gratitude...these words from you are sitting on my heart in the sweetest, most caressing way.

      I absolutely adore you. Thank you, friend, for being so glowingly you.

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  9. Such a gift - your allowing yourself to simply show up..to be nothing other..to share the beauty and love!

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    1. It's so hard to show up sometimes, Marcie. More and more, though, I am seeing how necessary it is to come and share--to show up with it all.

      Thank you for being one of the beautiful beings that I feel safe showing up with.

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  10. Replies
    1. I'm in such good company here...thank you for showing up with me, Jill--you are such a beauty.

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia