Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Not Today



There must be some peace in here somewhere, somewhere 
between this shallow breath
and the next, somewhere beneath this thick layer of thought
chasing thought. It seems I should have my shit together by now, that 42 years should
be long enough to learn how to tame this carnivorous mind of mine
but thinking this just makes me more anxious.
Today it feels like too much--this house that seems to need scrubbing, plans that seem
to need to be made, the dentist office trapping me into keeping the appointment that I really,
really don't want to go to--not today.  The heavy weight of Oregon gray.  It seems there is not enough of me 
to go around--not enough of me to be the kind of mother/wife/sister/friend/aunt/creator I want to be, not enough time
to feed this me that can't seem to breathe unless she creates.  I'm tired of being tired
tired of editing out the not-pretty, tired of backspacing/deleting, tired
of feeling anchored to overwhelm, tired of trying not to be too this or too that, tired 
of feeling strangled by these thoughts, these stories, this infinite number of choices, this feeling that there is something
I must do.  I reach for the bracelet, the one she wore when her body 
was still here 
and caress it like it can somehow save me
and I feel just a hint of it 
whispering 
its way through thick and heavy
repeating over and over again the words that young poet spoke
with such sacred, power-filled conviction
Poet, breathe now 
and I pause
and do the one thing that quiets
all the rest, the only thing that might lift
the heavy 
the one word I might have to tattoo on this body 
this body that is still here
I
breathe



9 comments :

  1. Breathing it's amazing how we forget to do this with awareness with presence. We breath a over and over without even knowing we are doing it but once we need to take a step back and be truly present it makes such a difference.
    Breath sweet sister, and know that you are loved.
    Xx
    Amy

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  2. And as I finish reading this I take a deep breath and I hold you in my heart.

    Love you.

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  3. Julia,
    thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.
    breathe
    love Kelley

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  4. Oh friend, thank you for your honesty here. I feel like I am sharing part of a brain, a heart with you this week -- seeking that breath of air. Trying to remind myself again to breathe. I breathe. We breathe.
    Julia, you will not be swallowed up. You will not be lost. Today you said, regardless of all this, I am going to create. And you did and you do. In your friendships, your mothering, this beautiful place... You create. You breathe. You bless.

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  5. I breathe. There. I am. So many thoughts and things wrangle us to the floor, or through the ceiling. The shoulds, woulds, and coulds, the desire to run far far away and create in a pop-proof bubble. Ha! Yeah.

    But here is good. Sort of. Yes. Perfect really;)

    I love you girl!

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  6. Thank you for this reminder
    I am breathing DEEP now and will try to
    return to this moment of peace
    more often!

    P.S. in this messy house, this busy life, this British Columbia grey, my soul feels the same too tired-ness as you, thank you for reminding me that I am not alone
    and
    that this
    is not all of me

    in - out - repeat !

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  7. Dear, beautiful women,

    You touch me deeply with your loving, giving hearts.

    I'm just so grateful to be surrounded by such goodness.

    Thank you,

    Julia

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  8. This so beautiful.
    You are so beautiful.
    Life is so brutal, but also beautiful.
    *deep breath*

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia