Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

lovelovelovelove
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
dldldldlldldlldldl
lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Nothing Wants You




As much as I feel like putting up a giant "Do Not Disturb" sign and just taking a nap right now, there is this gnawing, little voice that refuses to leave me alone.  This little voice keeps insisting that I come here and begin, that I come here to this space and write the words that feel hard to write.  And that I share them with you.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a nighttime dream that feels like the biggest gift ever, a treasure-of-a-dream that will continue and continue to speak to me—words and feelings that I will forever tuck in close.

As many of you know, my precious, 43-year-old sister-in-law, Amy, recently passed away from complications of Pulmonary Hypertension.  My husband and I and our two little girls were on our way up to Seattle to visit her in the hospital when we got the phonecall from my brother-in-law that she had died.  My husband was driving at the time of the call, the windshield wipers were working tirelessly to keep up with the pouring rain—our hearts were breaking.

We knew she was so very tired, that she couldn't hang on for much longer but, we thought—we prayed-- we'd get to see her one last time—to hold her close, to tell her how much we loved her.  We so wanted this.  And, in that moment, with that one phone call, we knew we would not get to hold that beautiful woman again.

For weeks after her death, the image of holding her close, the pain of not being able to, of not ever being able to again, would not leave me.  

And then I had the dream.

Amy was there in this dream, radiant, healthy, glowing her precious Amy glow.  She was playful, full of sunlight, smiling, spilling joy.  In the dream, she hugged me.  Not just an ordinary hug, but a strong, long, deep, feeling-each-other's hearts beat, soul-connecting hug.  As we were holding each other close, she spoke these words:

Nothing wants you.

I couldn't see her eyes at the time that she spoke these words, I could only hear her voice and, immediately, I was confused.  I didn't understand.  I spoke back:

What

She then pulled away and looked deeply, deeply into my eyes and said again, with more emphasis on the word nothing and more pause between each of the three words,     

Nothing 
      wants       you.     

As I stood there taking shelter in her eyes, in her warmth, letting myself feel and savor the sweet weight and strength of her hands on my shoulders, I had a release that I can't possibly describe in words.  Some deep, wise part of me understood what made no sense at all to my mind.  It was like a weight dislodged and lifted, like something heavy left my tired, wanting body.

Release. 

There are so many layers of what these three words mean to me, so many messages here (and messages that will continue to come) calling me to let go of layers of shoulds, calling me to come back to nothing (or everything), calling me to let go of want, calling me to stop chasing after empty somethings, calling me to return to the part that Knows.

A friend of mine wrote a poem that starts out, I am amazed by grace.  I am echoing and echoing those words right now...

I am amazed by grace.  

I      am      amazed      by      grace.

For so, so many things—thank you, Amy.







20 comments :

  1. Beautiful. There is no gift like a dream visit from someone you've lost, and the message, wow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, Jill. I feel so incredibly grateful & honored by this dream visit--such a blessing.

      I'm sending so much love your way today. Thank you for stopping by, my friend.

      Delete
  2. Oh my goodness, Julia, this is profound. I am stumbling to find the words to express what I'm feeling right now but they're not coming. Just a stillness within. A deep knowing that Amy is right there - right here. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beautiful friend, no words necessary--I feel you so deeply and am forever blessed by your love.

      Love, love, love.

      Delete
  3. My goodness, Julia. This is so heartbreakingly beautiful. And what an incredible gift -- Amy's presence, the freedom she is telling you to receive, her love. What an amazing gift to us to share that message. Thank you, friend. Peace and grace be yours in abundance, beloved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Ashley, these words from you give me goosebumps all over--I just had this wave of energy surge though me as I was reading what you wrote.

      Thank you, thank you for your precious, giving heart.

      (((Love)))

      Delete
  4. Oh, I'm sitting here with tears on my face. What a precious, beautiful gift, the gift of this dream. Sending you hugs, lots and lots of hugs...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can feel your hugs, Deb, and your tears & I just feel so deeply blessed. So, so much love to you.

      Delete
  5. what a beautiful gift. thank you for sharing with us, julia.

    today while meditating i heard my grandmom say, "how ya doin hon?" just like she was in the room. she was checking in on me, like she always did. so so sweet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Kelli, the sweetness of your grandmom's message, so very precious. I see that we can connect with these beautiful beings at any moment--it's simply about pausing & tuning in.

      Whew...the beauty.

      Thanks so much for stopping by.

      Delete
  6. What a precious gift Julia. Amy is there still beautiful Amy, so close to you, speaking spirit words. You'll carry this dream with you forever. I'm pondering Amy's words right now. Thank you for sharing this dream.
    Sending love and hugs to you Julia.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speaking spirit words...ah, yes, Leah, that's it exactly. Thank you for blessing me with your presence--you are a treasure I hold close.

      Sending so much love & warm hugs your way. xo

      Delete
  7. What an amazing precious treasure to have that dream, to soothe your heart and soul. It always amazes me how powerful dreams can be and how incredibly insightful. I am so happy sweet sister that you were blessed with this. Hold it in you being forever.
    Love you so much,
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, sweet sis, it really is amazing how powerful dreams can be. I'm seeing that more and more. I see how the more I tune in & ask questions of them, the more they speak back--what an amazing thing.

      Do you know how much I love you?

      Delete
  8. So powerful, my friend. Thank you for sharing your dream and this phrase which holds so much power and release. Your journey is stunningly beautiful and fills me up with resonance. XO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like I'm just beginning to really feel the power & release of these 3 words, Brooke. I am amazed by their power--a gift that will keep on giving & giving, for sure.

      Thank you for leaving your beautiful presence here, dear forever friend. I love you so.

      Delete
  9. Wow Julia. Just... wow... in so many ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that you are here reading, dear Susie. I'm so grateful that you & I have connected in such an important & meaningful way.

      Sending love your way today.

      Delete
  10. I'm so touched by this. So... reassured. This my be my favorite Julia post ever, and that's a high, high bar. Thank you for sharing with us. Julia. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies

    1. You always do this...you write a few words in the way only you can & you make my whole day--you have such a way of filling me up, J.

      Thank you & I love you.

      xo

      Delete

What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia