Be the Source

"Your singular job in this life is not to send out the message that you must 'get better' or become more than you are now.  All that is asked of you is to simply demonstrate who you are right now."  Neale Donald Walsch

Art by my dear friend, Lori Portka

A couple of months ago, I was walking through the Kmart parking lot with my two girls—it was one of those typical winter days in Oregon— rainy, gray, chilly—a mirror reflection of what I felt on the inside.  It felt like all that rainy gray was sitting on top of me and inside me too.  I just felt totally blah.  I was stuck in my own head, fixated on and frustrated by what wasn't happening in my life, I felt angry that things never seemed to flow the way I believed they could.  In other words, I was fully focused on lack— what wasn't happening, what I didn't have.  

As the heavy gray pressed down even heavier, I remember saying a little prayer that went something like this....please, please give me some clarity—help me to see what I'm not seeing.  And immediately, I heard this: 

GIVE.  

I heard this with crystal clarity, a clarity that jolted me out of that rainy gray and put me right where I was, in that parking lot, holding my little girls' hands in mine, both feet on the ground, breathing in and out.

As the girls and I were driving out of the lot, I saw a man standing out in the cold with a sign in hand—a sign that said something like:   Anything helps.  

And a rush of compassion filled all the little stuck places inside of me.  I got it.  I so understood what it feels like to need, to hurt, to feel lack, to want…to long for help, love, compassion.  

I saw him standing there out in the cold and knew I needed to give him what I could.  

As we were leaving the parking lot, I was trying to find a way to get to him without causing some sort of chaos (he was clear on the opposite side of the street).  And then the light turned green and I had to go.  As we were driving away, I said to the girls with a feeling of urgency, I  have to give that man money, I have to turn around so I can get to him.  

So I did a big turnaround and heading back, parked the car, scrounged up every bit of cash I had, walked myself up to that man and handed him the money.  He smiled and said, thank you so much ma'am, God bless you.  

When he said this, my eyes filled, my whole body smiled back and I knew, with every part of me, that I had just been blessed in the most unexpected, beautiful way.  If my little ones hadn’t been waiting in the car for me, I would have stood there in the rain with him and cried big, understanding, releasing tears.

As I walked away, I knew that sweet encounter was more for me than it was for him. 

When I gave what I could, rather than sitting in my head wishing that someone would give to me, the gray scattered into light little manageable pieces and floated away.  

All of this reminds me of a post I wrote a while back called "Doing it Differently." It was a story about a date night my husband and I had...on this particular date night, I decided that, rather than waiting for my husband to do what I wanted him to do (give me attention, act like he was having fun), I would give to him what I wanted to get.  And, let me tell you, in that moment, on that night, everything shifted...if you'd like to read about that evening, click here.  At the end of the post I wrote:  

It's a choice, a decision, a knowing that we alone have the power to change everything.  

I see clearly that when we decide to BE THE SOURCE of whatever it is that we think we don't have, everything shifts.  

When we give (and very often this giving it to ourselves first) rather than waiting to get, everything shifts.  

When we see the abundance that we already have, that we already are, rather than focusing on what we seem to be lacking, everything shifts.

Can you imagine what life could be like, if we all really and truly believed  knew that we already have all that we are seeking?  That we are actually the SOURCE of all that we long for?  Imagine if, whenever we feel we're lacking, we simply GIVE what we think we're lacking?  If we say thank you and thank you and thank you for what is right here, right now... 

I see clearly that when our focus turns from lack to abundance, from damning it all, to blessing and saying thank you for it all—everything shifts/opens/expands/flows. 

And I see that no amount of getting will ever bring us the peace/joy/expansion that we're seeking...that good stuff comes when we recognize that we already ARE all that we seek. 

We already ARE the good stuff.

And when we decide, without any hold back, to give and give and give this abundance away, the sun shines in and around us in a way that will blow the hell out of our little minds.  

A thousand hallelujahs to that.