Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
This Little Light of Mine
“If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of *what we're supposed to be* is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly.”― Brené Brown
Something really importantly huge is shifting in me and it has so
much to do with, well - everything. As I begin to write this morning, I remind myself to
B R E A T H E.
There is this explosive, little beam of light inside me that wants
to just fly, that is so very tired of being contained and careful and, well -
it's hard to put words to an explosive little beam of light.
So. Where to begin?
I think I'll begin with what happened last night. For the
last week or so, I've been lucky enough to be a "student" in my brave
friend,Alia's,online class(beautifully called Soul Harvest). Yesterday
morning, she shared a video with us that shifted something inside of me, the
video was about being willing to show up, fear and all, being willing to be
utterly vulnerable and uncool, because this kind of showing up is true FREEDOM
and opens the door to, well-
In her soul-stirring video she sang the song
"This Little Light of Mine," and it made me cry. And, she
invited us to sing along.
So, what did I do? Despite the grumbling &
persistent protest of my eleven-year-old I
and sang and sang. I sang
until one of my two dogs started anxiously whining (the other one is deaf
which, in this case, makes her lucky). I sang even though it was growing
increasingly darker outside and I still hadn't started dinner. I sang
quietly. I closed my eyes and felt my heart fill. I belted it out way loud to my striped tabby cat in the garage. For a couple of seconds, I worried
that the neighbors could hear, and then I realized something really important -
I didn't give a shit.
Not in a non loving, not caring, mean way, but
in a FULL, all encompassingly, wholeheartedly loving myself way.
And right in the middle of all this singing,
I realized...oh my gosh.
This is it.
When we really and truly get
to the point where we care more about showing up with our whole, wide, broken, vulnerable, messy, REAL, beautiful, SINGING heart, rather than what people may or may not think (or what our critical, "tiny-me" minds think) - we are
F R E E.
And, oh goodness me
- how we all want/need - are insanely HUNGRY - to be free.
So. After all of this singing, after driving my daughter out
of the kitchen because she kept insisting that I STOP singing, I did something
else that was utterly liberating.
I recorded a video of myself singing, "This
Little Light of Mine," and then immediately posted it to the private Soul
Harvest Facebook page. And then I had a moment (but just a tiny one) of,
oh shit. What the hell did I just do? And then this -
I don't care.
I realized that, even through my
"tiny me" eyes, and through the eyes of almost everyone I could
think of, I looked like a complete and total uncool DORK, I didn't care.
I am imperfect and I am enough. I am imperfect and I am enough. I am imperfect and I am enough.
To be, finally, in my 40s, setting down this ancient, heavy list of
what I'm "supposed" to be, to no longer be fixated on what "needs" to be hidden or changed or fixed, to know that I can show up exactly as I am
RIGHT NOW - is