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Thursday, November 7, 2013

There Is No Gone

This full breath of November 
has me remembering –  rainfall so loud
it carries me back, lands me hard
inside that morning when windshield wipers 
couldn't keep up.  When engine and wheels couldn't 
get us there fast enough – before – oh my God how it rained - 
she died.

Mourning Dove wakes me
telling her own kind of story.  Her song saying 
what words can never say
her call giving voice to the heavy, this heavy tug
of remembering

Brown eyes.  The way she never stopped giving.  How fucking hard it rained.

It may not seem like much 
but I know what I must do 
I know
I must dip fingers into paint
fill white canvas with what seems to be gone
fingers dipping in and out – heart satiated
with deep breath 
of color

What could matter more than this?

Eyes close. Breath slows. Softly – I come back
to here.  And I stay until 
some unnamable beloved
curls in close. I stay
until I know what the Dove knows
until I'm drenched and dripping with the truth of it -

there is no gone.

*               *              *

For my sister-in-law whose body left us a year ago but who, I know, is always right here. Thank you, precious Amy, for showing me the true power of giving - the true gift of breathing - and for showing me that there is only ever this one now moment.  I love you so.


  1. November can be a dreary month. Here it rarely ever snows, but the rain at the beginning of winter always seems the most bitter.
    But while we lose those who are most precious to us, we never lose a sense of who they were. We will always carry a piece of them in our hearts and recognize their presence in the world outside.
    ♥ Sorry for the loss, though a year has passed. It's always hard to lose someone you love.

    1. Yes, Karin - you are so right - we will always carry a precious piece of them close.

      I appreciate your words and presence here so much. Thank you for stopping by and blessing me...

  2. Julia, you have such a way with words; it's as though your words know how to strum the soul and create just the right tune, "There is no gone". Indeed. That would be impossible.

    Loving you today.

    Thank you for sharing this treasure with us. <3

    1. "your words know how to strum the soul and create just the right tune," and you say I have a way with words? :)

      Leah, I'm beyond words grateful for you.

  3. "Eyes close. Breath slows. Softly – I come back
    to here. And I stay until
    some unnamable beloved
    curls in close."
    Beautiful writing from beautiful you, Julia! I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending love to you!

    1. Carie! What preciousness to find you here. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and for leaving the gift of you here.

      Giant hugs to you, beautiful person.

  4. Yes, there is really no "gone"! We are spiritual beings having this human experience on this beautiful earth. I have no doubt at all that She is with you, surrounding you and loving you as always.

    1. Such comfort here in your words, dear Deb. I love this profile picture of you - it makes me smile.

      Sending warmth and love your way.

      So grateful for you in my life.

  5. "There is no gone."
    I know, I know.

  6. Oh Julia your words are so tender and beautiful. "There is No Gone," so true, I lost my parents years ago and they live in my heart forever and ever as your sweet sister-in-law will yours. Thank you for your words always, they touch my heart ever time.

    You are a beautiful blessing not only to me but this big world.

    Love to you dear one. Sarra

    1. Oh Sarra - what a blessed treasure you are.

      I've been thinking about you so much, thinking how much I miss your presence in my Getting Naked class - how grateful I am that you were in my very first one.

      I'm sending a heart full of love your way.

      Gratitude & love.

  7. There is no gone - but nevertheless I can feel the loss, Julia! Wonderful words!

    1. Rosie, thank you for leaving your sweet words here.

      Love to you. <3

  8. your words...a treasure...always moving...and so so beautiful.

    1. Kelley, what a gift to find you here. I hope life is good for you & your sweet family. Sending so much love your way.

  9. This is so beautiful, Julia. I've read it twice now and feel I could read it 100 more times and find something new and more nuanced and more true every time. Grief is such a complicated thing, as are the ways we move through it. I just want to wrap myself up in your words (not for the first time). xoxo


What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia