Sometimes it feels too
hard to come here and write, to try to put too many emotions into too few
words, to try to get the words right when deep inside of me I know, it's not about the words.
Sometimes
it's so very hard to trust that what I have to say might need to be read by
someone. Or to trust that me writing for me, for my release, for my healing, is
enough.
Sometimes
I don't want to tell you that I'm struggling because I wonder if you might
shake your head and say - Really? Again? Sometimes I forget that I can't
control - ever - what someone else may or may not
think or feel. And that living for others means dying to me.
Sometimes I want to
shake it all off - the weight, the questions, the indecision, what feels too fleeting
- too much - the intense sensitivity, the way I never, ever see black and white. The
grey that keeps getting greyer.
Sometimes having to
think about where commas should go, where periods should stay, feels like the
kind of heavy I don't want to bear.
Sometimes
I wish those moments of feeling like I could die (happily) for how deeply
grateful I am (like just two nights ago) for all the gifts in my life, would
last just a little bit longer.
Sometimes
I feel deeply sad - like right now. So sad that I don't know if this tender heart of mine
can possibly take it. Sad for my dear
friend, the one I paraded around campus with, belting out loud to the night air, that song "Red, Red Wine." The one I
stayed up late with studying for high school biology exams, slept in with ‘till
noon - the one who was always stumbling and getting into trouble because she was way, way bigger than life. The one who
was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and has gone through months of chemo and
radiation and now, just last week, found out she has two spots on her
vertebrae. She goes in for a bone biopsy this afternoon. Sometimes I
could handle this better. But today, imagining her husband and four children
waiting for the news, feels like too much.
Sometimes
the grey of the day warms me, makes me want to curl in tighter to all that is
right and beautiful and good in my world. And, oh my gosh, there is so, so much. And
sometimes the grey weighs on me heavy. And I wonder - where does this deep sadness
come from?
Sometimes
- often - I can trust that it's all just right, just as it is. I can trust that
I am where I am meant to be, I can see the gifts even when they are wrapped in an "ugly" disguise. And sometimes I want to hang it all up, say fuck it to trust, curse the powers that be for not helping me know more
clearly where the hell it is I'm supposed to step next.
Sometimes
I know I must come here and spill the truth of where I am, release it all just
as it so imperfectly (perfectly) is, so that I may dare to step again, step forward,
continue to trust in this something
bigger than me.
Sometimes,
when I'm deep in the midst of scared thoughts and tangled sadness, something
happens to make me look up, something that shakes me out of my deep, empty
tired. The sound of birdsong, the sigh
from my old dog. I look up and I can see
again - moss-covered oaks, left-over leaves clinging to bare branches. The sun
just barely peeking out.
Sometimes
the release that comes from writing the truth, from leaving the commas and periods
out - far outweighs whatever somethings may come after.
And I remember again that this feeling and opening to it all, this uncensored, truth-telling expression is the point.
Deep breaths. Yes.
***If you haven't already, please join me on my Painted Path Facebook page. I often post things over there (new pieces of art, quotes, thoughts) that I may not share here.
***If you haven't already, please join me on my Painted Path Facebook page. I often post things over there (new pieces of art, quotes, thoughts) that I may not share here.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. I think the feelings you've expressed are universal.
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear Nikki, for taking the time to leave your sweet words here. These connections matter so much.
Delete*Love*
ReplyDeleteJust that.
*LOVE* - just love - back to you, precious Jill.
DeleteThere are many punishers in our lives, but a connection with you is rewarding, my sweet daughter.
ReplyDelete(((Dad))) - that's me giving you a hug. You are the sweetest. I love you way more than words can say...
DeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we feel happy beyond measure, and sometimes we feel overwhelmed by pain.
Sending prayers and good vibes you and your friend's way today--hoping the news goes well.
Thanks so much, Karin. I just heard the amazing news that the spots they found on her vertebrae are totally harmless! Such amazingly sweet blessing news.
DeleteSo much love to you, beautiful one.
Oh, Julia, yes dear heart, it is...that you tell the truth...that IS the point. Only telling the truth will help you and all of us get through the storm.
ReplyDeleteI used to pray for storms to be taken away, moved "somewhere else". Now I just long for, pray for, the wisdom to know how to keep my head up and move right through whatever comes.
Sending you love and peace...
Deb
Dear Deb, you are such a blessing.
DeleteAs hard as these storms can be, the sun seems to shine a little brighter and a little clearer after each one of them. It all really is a gift.
I treasure you and all that you are. So very grateful for you in my life...
This: And I remember again that this feeling and opening to it all, this uncensored, truth-telling-expression is the point.
ReplyDeleteYes. It. Is. And thank you so much for being brave enough to do it.
I'm so happy to hear your friend's spots were nothing to worry about. I'm so fucking tired of the pain and loneliness and devastation that is cancer, I can't even begin to express it. To hear one good story is a relief.
xoxo
Dear J, yes - it is such relief to hear that my friend's spot were nothing to worry about. Whew. And yes, it is so very good and hopeful to hear one good story...
DeleteYou, my friend, continue to amaze me with your courage and willingness to open to it all.
So much love...
I love you so much, Julia. This moved me so deeply. Meeting in person was the most beautiful, heart opening experience. We walk this path together, side by side, always. See you very soon my dearest friend. xo
ReplyDeleteYes, Alia - the most beautiful, heart opening experience. I'm still in awe & so very grateful.
DeleteBeautiful badass Julia, poet of seekers, mighty comma slayer soothing me with your honest words, thank you for being boldly you. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWe so quickly forget that things are as they should be, especially when life is wrapped in ugly. Thank you for reminding me...yet again. I love you dear sister.
Ahhh, Leah. You create magic with your words. And the way you show up with such a FULLness of love blows me away. I can't believe how lucky I am to know you.
DeleteLove, love, love...
When reading these words from your heart, I felt like I wanted to come hug you, but then I realized that you will be all right. Your strength shows through. Just writing it all was hugely strong. xoxo
ReplyDelete