Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. Rumi

love

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

And Then I Could Breathe Again


Image by Serena Joyce
Here Comes The Sun


Instead of picking up a pen or a paintbrush
and getting down the ten thousand words/images
that were flooding my head, my heart, my lungs – my breath
I wiped coffee stains off the old kitchen table, fed 
the dog, the cat, the children
brushed the tangles out of my nine-year-old's hair while she screamed 
that I was hurting her,yelled at my twelve-year-old to hurry or 
we would be late – again, got entirely too pissed off 
at the slow driver in front of me, forgot to remember
to breathe.   Instead of emptying the overflowing 
pile of tangled shit that has been scratching and screaming
and gnawing and howling inside of me for days, weeks – decades
I scrubbed dried quinoa from the rice cooker, scoured 
the internet for the perfect paint color 
for my newly remodeled living room, folded two loads
of other people's clothes, unloaded the dishwasher, made coffee,
checked email ten times in ten minutes, called my sister, my mom, my friend
scanned Facebook update after Facebook update for some sort of –
inspiration? Instead of giving voice
to the thing inside me I was born to give voice to – I stared at the tiny freckle on my right foot and thought about how Hitler, before he murdered
millions, wanted to be an artist.  And then I thought 
of the quote about how - what you don't bring forth will kill you
and I wondered if I would ever, ever make anything of my life. Instead of 
making the ten millionth fucking excuse I sat my ass down 
on the soft swiveling chair in the room I created so I could create
and breathed a breath that reached all the way down to that tiny freckle
and wrote these words. 
Then I stepped outside into the sun's big arms
and danced



40 comments :

  1. YES! I've been avoiding the studio for days now. I'm not sure why because I KNOW it would help me feel better too. So many to-dos, I know. So glad I am not alone in these feelings.

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    1. You are certainly not alone, dear Naomi! I don't know a single artist/writer/person who doesn't resist what most feeds their soul.

      I hope you got those paints out...

      Delete
  2. Julia, this is beautiful! My children are grown but I still find so many reasons to keep my fanny out of the chair. Your children will be grown soon... don't miss out on them but don't miss out on yourself either. And darn that Facebook... if only it wasn't so addicting! Blessings

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    1. Christina, thanks so much for leaving your supportive words here. I have noticed that the more I give myself the gift of sitting down and doing my work (my writing/art, etc...), the more I am present for the people in my life...and the more I am present with the the people in my life (and for whatever IS), the more I can show up for my art. Amazing how this works. And as far as Facebook goes, well...I just need to have a little bit of self-discipline. :)

      Love to you...

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  3. Thank you! Thank you for sharing this soul touching, heart wrenching poem! As I sit here with tears streaming down my face I am so glad to know that I am not the only one that puts my own heart off for those around me that I love so much. And helped me remember I am so much better to those loves around me when I feed my own heart, at least occasionally! And breathe in peace. And dance!
    Thank you!
    Warmly,
    ~Lindsay, Momma to Grace & Lily and Duncan the Dog (along with countless rodents, invertebrates and whatever else those girls bring home) and Wife to John

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    1. Dear Lindsay ((Momma to Grace & Lily and Duncan the Dog (along with countless rodents, invertebrates and whatever else those girls bring home) and Wife to John)), thank you so much for taking the time to connect. Like I said above in my comment back to Naomi, I really don't know a single person who doesn't puts off their own heart (at least sometimes)...no kids required! I don't know why we resist doing what we know feeds us, I just know that we do, and that, for me, it's a constant practice to remember to feed myself so that what I'm feeding others is whole and good (rather than empty and drained). I think we do others a great disservice when we deny ourselves.

      Here's to remembering to B R E A T H E and dance!

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  4. my dear Julia...you have made ever so much out of your life. So it is not
    "and I wondered if I would ever, ever make anything of my life."
    but really, wondering if you'll fully see the beauty of what you've made with your life.
    :)

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    1. Love this Cheryl, so true..... even if we all hear Julia's inner adominishment at times also.. its important that this is what we're truly seeking, to see our own beautiful life ;) Thank you <3

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    2. Dear Cheryl, in many, many moments, I see in a very clear, full, whole way how very blessed I am. I know this, I feel this, I'm incredibly grateful for the abundance that surrounds me. I have no doubt that my life is full of beauty and goodness, that it's these little, ordinary moments that are truly the gift. It's just that (because I'm human) I have that human brain that likes to show me all the ways I'm not measuring up....I have yet to meet a human that doesn't do this at times. Thankfully, I've learned to drop below the level of that fear-based human thinking (and often this is through creating) to where I see that there in only and always LOVE. I feel deeply, passionately sure that one of my purposes for being on this planet is to show up with ALL of it, the human struggling parts and the whole, blessed parts. It really is all beautiful.

      Thanks so much for leaving your words here...

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    3. Caroline - I so completely agree. Often I find that when I can express the angst, the fear, the not-so-pretty parts, I can better and more fully SEE this beautiful life that I am standing in - right now in this very moment. It really and truly is always about THIS moment, the gifts are nowhere else (which is one of the other constant themes in my poetry). This I know for sure.

      Thanks so much for being here, Caroline.

      Delete
  5. i can't tell you how happy your post made me this morning!
    it's so true - the phone to mom/ sister etc.....
    thanks for that wonderful yet so overlooked reminder.
    wishing you a joyce morning!
    :)

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    1. And thank you for telling me that my post made you happy! I'm so glad you see the happy through the other - stuff. :)

      Love to you, dear heart.

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  6. Replies
    1. Yes - let's Callie! Throwing you up in the air now...

      Smiles and love.

      P.S: Thank you for hearing me - that truly means so much.

      Delete
  7. Life was overflowing yesterday and I took an hour long walk on the bike path and raised my arms to the Sun as well. It did indeed help tremendously. Thank you for reminding me to breath.

    Jackie

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    1. I remind myself dozens of time every day to BREATHE...is there anything more important? And walks...and SUN - ahhhh.....

      Joy to you, Jackie.

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  8. Love this Julia, found it through an email from Crystal Belle and so glad I clicked. Its an echo of how so many of us feel ,more often than we should, so glad you followed your inner calling and began to breathe again, don't leave it so long next time :) Wishing you light n love in all you do >3

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    1. Caroline, I'm so glad you clicked too. :) As I step more and more into the moment, more and more into who I am - I let less and less time go by between deep breaths and sitting my butt down and simply beginning! Hallelujah to that!

      Wishing you light and love back.

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  9. Simply being you, sharing your story, your ups and downs, your struggles...telling the truth of your life. That is why I'm drawn here and to you as a friend.

    When you remember to breathe...so do I. Thanks for helping me remember through your words.

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    1. Deb, you are truly a gift. I remember to breathe and then you remember to breathe and then I remember to breathe and on and on it goes. It's so beautiful how deeply connected we all are.

      Blessings galore to you, dear hearted one.

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  10. I wish I were as brave as you, that I could give myself permission to say it all out loud, then dance in the sun. It is very true that "what you don't bring forth will kill you".

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    1. Susie, I assure you that you ARE as brave...brave really is about feeling that shaky, trembly fear and doing it anyway. I have witnessed a huge amount of BRAVE in you.

      Thank you for blessing me with your presence here. Sending so much love...

      Delete
  11. Hi, I'm new to this group and found you via Creative Spiritual Women. Your post is not only beautifully written, but so brave. Sharing your soul with such honesty is a gift.

    I'm an artist at heart, but had an accident two years ago that injured my dominant hand, arm and my neck, so I've not been able to create like I'd like to. I became an empty nester during this process and I feel lost.

    I really resonate with everything that you said, and with Christina. The kids will be gone before you know it, and staying connected to what makes your heart sing will only enrich their lives, as well as yours. I applaud you for sharing your message.

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    1. I'm breathing your words in deeply, Shelley. I'm so happy you are here.

      Whew...it sounds like you have had so many challenges, this being human certainly keeps us on our toes. I sure hope you can find a way to give voice to that artist heart of yours...

      Thank you so much for stopping by and gifting me with your words. Sending you love.

      Delete
  12. Multi-tasking and taking care of running a house, children, and a host of other tasks, doesn't leave much time for you. Glad you recognized it and stopped, kicked up your feet. It was interesting how the story started out as a typical day and then turned around to be/make what YOU wanted. Yipee for you and thanks for sharing.

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    1. Yes, sometimes it's a challenge to carve out the time but it's so very worth it and, for me, so absolutely necessary. Thanks so much for stopping by.

      Delete
  13. I love you, dear friend. Thank you for sharing what we all feel so deeply within. Your courage to give voice to it all inspires me and reminds me of what matters in my life. "You're a sky full of stars" beautiful one. ;) Breathing and embracing...

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    1. "You're a sky full of stars." Oh Alia, this stopped me and made me breathe deeply and fill with gratitude.

      Thank you for your love, dear friend. You are such a treasure.

      Delete
  14. It felt like you could all all of that in one giant breath---but then you remembered to breathe.

    I know I wish I had more time to create things--but we always have time for the things we want to do , right ? (I heard someone say that once.) So I figure as long as we make time to calm down and look at the pauses in between, maybe the chaos won't overwhelm us in the meantime.

    Love to you <3

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    1. *typo: It felt like you could SAY all of that in one giant breath

      :)

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    2. Yes Karin - that's pretty much how this poem came out - all in one breath - it all just kind of poured out, or, as icky as this sounds, I think I threw it up. :)

      I agree with you that we have time to do those things that fill us - it's really a choosing, isn't it?

      Love to you, dear one.

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  15. Read this yesterday and your words spoke to me. They are still resonating today (and omg MQ is *not* twelve. Stop it)! Thanks for this. :)

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    1. I love you, Anne....you always crack me up, make me smile and help me remember to lighten the heck up....plus you're just a really good person. :)

      So glad this resonates....

      Yes, seriously - Marielle is 12 - isn't that just the craziest thing?

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  16. Brilliant - absolutely brilliant poem! Thank you!!

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  17. Whew, I got stressed just reading. I am happy you finally got to release and dance in the sun. I just recently read somewhere (probably from Maya Angelou) "Release the weight of the past, and step into the lightness of the present". Seems to work, hmmmm? Have a wonderful day.

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    1. Yes, Judie-it does seem to work (and it's not always easy but it's getting easier). Thank you for taking the time to connect. Love to you.

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  18. "and I wondered if I would ever, ever make anything of my life."

    Julia, this resonates deeply for me. Thank you for the courage and honesty of your words.

    And let me echo what Cheryl said above…you have made so very much out of your life, and the beauty of what you have made reaches deep into my heart (and I know I am not alone in this!). Thank you for showing up and for the important soul-work that you do.

    (PS: So sorry for my delayed comment, since this blog post has been up for weeks. I’m catching up on blog reading…something which is most definitely on my “get-to-do” list!)

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  19. Jenna-I so hope you know how precious you are. Every time our paths cross you bless me in the sweetest, truest way. Thank you for these kind, giving words. I hope you can feel the love I am sending you now....

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia