Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. Rumi

love

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Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Who Fucking Cares?


JUST RIGHT, print available HERE


It's been over three weeks since I've written in this space but it kind of feels like forever. It seems the longer I go without writing/painting/sharing, the harder it is to sit down and begin.  The more time that goes by, the more the paralyzing mind resistance kicks in.  The more time that goes by, the bigger deal my mind makes of it all.

In Steven Pressfield's book, The War of Art, he writes...

What does Resistance feel like?

First, unhappiness.  We feel like hell.  A low-grade misery pervades everything. We're bored, we're restless.  We can't get no satisfaction.  There's guilt but we can't put our finger on the source.  We want to go back to bed; we want to get up and party.  We feel unloved and unlovable.  We're disgusted.  We hate our lives.  We hate ourselves.  

This morning I really didn't feel like getting out of bed.  I didn't feel like making lunches for my girls for the three millionth time.  I didn't feel like tackling the overflowing basket of clean clothes that's been sitting in the back room for three days.  I didn't feel like cleaning up the kitchen - again.  I didn't feel like going to the grocery store or thinking about what to have for dinner or taking a shower or searching through my closet for the one pair of pants that still fits.  I didn't feel like taking out my paints and making another mess on canvas. I didn't feel like going for a run even though I signed up to run a 5K with my nine-year-old, and that run is coming up in less than two weeks (and I'm in the worst shape of my entire life).  I didn't feel like thinking about what it is that I might do to make myself useful in this lifetime.  I didn't feel like thinking about what color (out of 10 million different choices of colors) to paint our newly remodeled dining room/living room. I didn't feel like thinking about the team mom (a single mother to three girls) for my daughter's soccer team who just found out she has bone cancer.

In a text message to a dear friend, I wrote:  

It's such a gorgeous day but I feel so dull inside.  

Despite a tremendous amount of resistance from my mind, I somehow managed to get myself in the car and drove to my favorite, pine-needled, mossy, fern growing, delicious smelling, wooded running trail. The sun was shining.  The birds were singing madly. While I ran (otherwise known as a barely-moving slow jog), I thought of all the things inside of me that are dying to get out. I thought about how lucky I am to be healthy and moving on this bright, beautiful morning. I silently scolded myself for having so much but (at times) appreciating so little.  I thought about how lucky the trees and creek and birds are to be blessed without a mind. I thought about how filled with joy painting used to be until my mind got involved. I thought about how, more than anything, I want to make myself useful in this world.  I thought about how, running on that trail, moving my body - even though it felt somewhat painful - it wasn't nearly as painful as the shit my mind throws at me every day. I thought about how sad it is that I often hold back my truth, my life force, my art and creativity, out of fear. Fear of saying too much or too little.  Fear of appearing dull or crass or stupid. Fear of what others may or may not think.

I thought about how critical/necessary - crucial - it is to show up for the sake of my own health and sanity.  

Just a few minutes ago, I came across the following words, written by the incredibly brave, honest writer, Anne Lamott...

Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you're 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn't go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It's going to break your heart. Don't let this happen.

A reviewer may hate your style, or newspapers may neglect you, or 500 people may tell you that you are bitter, delusional and boring.

Let me ask you this: in the big juicy Zorba scheme of things, who fucking cares?

There was something about this who fucking cares part that really got my attention and reminded me (I seem to need CONSTANT reminders) that the release I get from expressing the truth, the release I get from showing up as ME, is worth far more than getting good reviews (or likes or comments or followers or sales, or whatever).  

So today, once again I remind myself that life is way, way too short (and precious) to hold back what's dying to get out - to hold back my ME-ness. Life is way too short to worry anymore about these damn jiggly thighs and too big tummy.  Life is way too short to care if they will think I'm too this or not enough of that - because, really (and I say this with lots of love, with hope of release)...

Who fucking Cares?






21 comments :

  1. Gratitude for you, Julia. For your openness and honesty, that you admit dullness and numbness on even "a gorgeous day." Then telling your discovery of what Anne Lamott wrote and how it galvanized you to write. Another time it may be another message, we don't always know when. I don't know the answer but I know how much this moved me. Thank you.

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    1. Dear Garrett, knowing that my words moved you makes my whole day and helps me know the importance in showing up and sharing. You are one of the very important reasons I write.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to write to me - I'm truly grateful.

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  2. I could not agree with Garrett more. THIS is why you teach people how to be naked. Because you're willing to be, even when you don't want to, even when it's hard, even when you have to trust in the outcome because you've forgotten (again) how powerful it is to be naked and real - for you and everyone who reads you. I'm so glad you showed up here today. xoxo

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    1. J, I love you so much I could cry. I think that's all I have to say for now...

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  3. Julia, your words deeply affected me today.
    Over the years I have known you (years, dear friend!), I have watched how alive you are and how your aliveness impacts those around you.

    To read of your disconnection from your art and the impact Resistance has made on your life recently was profound for me, because you've always been someone I've seen as being hugely creative.

    I see that this is a season in your life and I also know that you weren't designed to dwell in this place forever. Thank you so much for showing up.

    I love you
    xx

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    1. Dear, dear Elloa. To see you here this morning is the biggest ever gift for my day. I could write blog post after blog post about how disconnected I've felt over these last several months...this post was just the tiniest glimpse.

      We so need each other to see ourselves, to SEE, period. You writing about how you see me, helps me to see me. Me telling my truth helps you to see you. Isn't this the truth? This creating/sharing is one of the most powerful things I know. I am deeply humbled by what happens when we just show up and share the real of it. This is what you do again and again, my friend. Seeing you tell your truth helps me to tell mine...and around and around it goes.

      Thank you so much, precious one, for showing up here...you have moved me beyond words.

      A million tons of love to you.

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    2. Julia, when I read your words, I get it. I understand what life's all about. All I need to do is SHOW UP, just as I am, in the moment.

      I hope you have an idea of how deeply you have impacted my life. My normal days are full of treasure, because of the quote you posted at the top of your website. My heart soars when my eyes rest upon your artwork that lives next to my desk. My wedding day was made all the sweeter for having your words read out in it.

      You were born to create, Julia. And when you do, you light up the world.

      When you don't, you are loved as FULLY as when you do. Nothing will ever change that. Your essence doesn't change... but as ACIM says, a block to the awareness of love's presence settles in for a while.

      I have witnessed you being so consistent over the years and you are one of the people I am modelling myself on. My new site only exists because of people like you. I am sure that without you, it would not be there - for it was through you, dear Julia, that I discovered Danielle laPorte, then Marie Forleo, then B-School.

      So thank you for being a vital, life-giving person on this beautiful planet called earth.

      Love
      Elloa x

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    3. Oh....dear me. Elloa, precious one - my heart is a big puddle. These words from you feel like the only words I'll ever have to read ever again to remind me that what I do matters, that I matter. I've already read them over several times, pasted them into my important "love notes" folder...

      I will read them, love them, savor them forever. Just like I will love you and savor YOU forever. I wish my heart could speak directly...just picture me bowing deeply and a big puddle of love and gratitude.

      Thank you. I love you. Those 5 words aren't even close to enough.

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  4. Great post, Julia. I know all these thoughts and feelings very well (and am sure that any truly honest creative person does). In fact my 'paralyzing mind resistance' has been kicking in recently too. You've encouraged me to get on and write that post I've been meaning to write all week… Thank you!

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    1. Jacqui...as I wrote to Elloa above, around and around it goes. This is why this showing up and sharing is so very important. Anne (Lamott) showing up moved me to show up, my showing up has moved you to show up, you showing up will move others...and on and on. It's a damn beautiful thing. How do I keep forgetting the power of this? Oh well, for now I remember and I'm so very grateful.

      Thank you, Jacqui, for being one of the beauties that is helping me remember.

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    1. Here's to being A*W*A*K*E!

      This beautiful connecting is waking me up way more than the coffee that's sitting beside me! I'm humbled and so very grateful.

      Thank you for being here, Bluemoonsisters.

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  6. This post popped on to my radar this morning. Man, did I need to read it ! Thank you, thank you for spilling it this way.
    Hope today is a juicy one !

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    1. And man! did I need to read that you needed to read it, dear Kim!

      Here's to juicyness GALORE!

      So much love to you, Kim.

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    1. Thank you "slogomary" for showing up here with me...it's so appreciated.

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  8. You and I are working through some similar places. Thank you for you heart and your kick in the pants that is still somehow gracious. :) So grateful for you and that you're sharing the behind the scenes that holds so many of us back. Love you, friend.

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    1. This doesn't surprise me at all, Ashley - our hearts are so very connected (lucky me). I'm glad the gracious part comes through (despite the raw language :). I so deeply appreciate you, my friend. Here's to moving through all that holds us back - with big love and gentle grace. Hope you can feel my hug...

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  9. I just finished reading Anne Lamott's latest book, "Stitches, a handbook on meaning, hope and repair". It was very helpful as are your posts, Julia. Thank you!

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    1. I absolutely adore Anne Lamott and all she writes. I have yet to read "Stiches" but will definitely put that on the "must read" list. I'm happy to hear you find my posts helpful, Barbara.

      Thanks so much for taking the time to connect. Love to you, dear one.

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  10. Wow! Wow! Wow! Who fucking cares?
    "There was something about this who fucking cares part that really got my attention and reminded me (I seem to need CONSTANT reminders) that the release I get from expressing the truth, the release I get from showing up as ME, is worth far more than getting good reviews (or likes or comments or followers or sales, or whatever). "

    Thank you, Julia <3

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What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia