It's been a long, long time since I've come here to write to you and I really don't know what I'm going to say. I do know that there is a world, an ocean, a vast open sea of stuff inside me that wants so much to speak.
And I know I don't want to speak it in someone else's way.
Often I don't speak because I get overwhelmed. How does one express a vast open sea? How does one put into words the cries, the deep longing, the celebration, the sorrow, the ache, the questions, the intense JOY?
How does one get over their own doubts, paralysis, overwhelm, sadness, insecurity and just begin?
So, this is me beginning. Showing up. Saying what wants to come next.
I'm tired of trying to have a plan, of thinking I should have a plan. I'm tired of trying to appear as together when, really, I'm falling apart. And really, this is a very good thing.
I'm falling apart and this is a good thing.
The more I watch myself, the more I become the one who observes the other one (and by "other one" I mean the scared, scattered, overwhelmed, unsure, anxious one), the more I really see her.
And I'm amazed a little. Amazed that, after all this time, after reading a bazillion spiritual books, after showing up and sharing big chunks of my heart, I can still be so deeply afraid and hesitant, so full of doubt and hold back.
And I see that this is my pain. This sadness is really a deep longing to be me. To let myself speak. To stop standing in my own way. To stop trying to get mine to look like theirs. This is what it's always been about. I think I can say with some confidence that, at the root of all of our pain, is the deep, deep desire to just be who we are. To be seen, to be Known - to be Known by our own selves. To know that it is enough to be who we are. To know that we are worthy already. Whole already. That there is nothing to add or subtract or change or fix. Nothing that is wrong. Nothing we need get rid of.
Nothing to get rid of. Not even the doubts, paralysis, overwhelm, sadness, insecurity. Not even the scared, scattered, overwhelmed, unsure, anxiousness.
There is room for it all.
Imagine dropping, really setting down, who we think others want us to be, who we think we should be, and just being who we are. Who we already are.
So what if some people stop liking us, stop "following" us, stop being our friend.
Imagine if we stopped thinking parts of us aren't okay. Imagine if we opened up wider and embraced our sadness, allowed ourselves to rest inside it, just as much as we allowed ourselves to open to big, wide eyed, wide armed joy?
What a fucking relief this would be.
So, my big YES, and I see that it's been my yes for a long, long time (and it continues to deepen and deepen), is to say YES to me, to me exactly as I am. To you, just as you are. To LIFE just as it is - now.
To show up with all of it. No matter what.
I'm growing far too tired to care about what others may or may not think. I think we all are. Plus, I have absolutely no control over other people's thoughts. None.
A couple days after Christmas, in one middle of the night moment, I felt like I would be swallowed up by sadness, like it would swallow me and there would be no me left. I sobbed silently in bed, I felt an indescribable heaviness, a kind of hopelessness that words can't touch. I let myself feel it, really feel it. And, here's the thing - it didn't swallow me. It opened me. It made my heart more tender, more receptive, more full of love.
When I shared about this sadness in my/our YES group, one of the precious women in there sent me the following words, words that (as dramatic as it sounds) have saved my life in a certain way. Here are those words, written by one of the most beautiful, pure, true humans I have come across - Jeff Foster
"Let it come closer, let it engulf you if it must.
Until there is no division between 'self' and 'sadness'.
Until you cannot call it 'sadness' at all.
Until there is only intimacy.
Sadness keeps you soft and flexible.
It reminds you, when you have forgotten,
of the beautiful fragility underneath all things.
In the softness of the heart lies its capacity to love.
Sadness is not the opposite of joy, but its gateway." Jeff Foster
In the softness of the heart lies its capacity to love. Sadness is not the opposite of joy, but its gateway.
Such holy words.
My hope for me, for you, for each and every one of us, is that we can drop who we think we're supposed to be and show up just as we are, right now, in THIS very moment. That we can let it all BE just what it is.
This kind of open, free, REAL BEing-ness is what The YES Movement is all about. It's holy inside that YES space. If you feel called in the deepest part of you to enter that kind of space, you can read more HERE.
It's a brand new year and I send each of you so, so much love.