Life is not a straight line. It's a downpour of gifts, please – hold out your hand

Thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're here.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

What Do You Most Want?

Dear you,

Well, it's been forever and a hundred days since I last wrote to you. I'm not sure where I've been but I've been a lot of places.

I've just recently completed 41 days of creative play where I painted or drew for 41 whole days in a row (minus weekends) and invited my YES group to play along with me. And many of them did and it was full of great BEAUTY and life and pure awesomeness.

I had a deep and beautiful conversation with the miracle-worker, Elloa Atkinson. You can listen in on our raw and real (and recorded) conversation by clicking HERE. 

I've been doing laundry and dishes and making lunches each day for my girls and all the other stuff that comes along with being a wife and a mommy. I completed an absolutely amazing art class with the incredible woman and artist Flora Bowley. I've taken long quiet walks by myself. I've written a little. Sat with great doubt and wild awe and a beautiful, old woman who was dying.

I've breathed deeply and not enough.

And on and on and on...

I pause for a minute as I write this to watch the cursor blink and to take a deep, deep breath. To look out the window at the newly leafed out trees, to listen to the muffled chatter in this loud coffee shop.

As I pause, I notice a question just rose up from somewhere:

What do you most want?

And an immediate answer:

To be free.

Free to - what?

Free to say what I want to say in the way I want to say it. Free to not be eloquent, to not edit, to not be "good." Free to be ALL of who I am, without apology. Free to have mine not look anything like theirs. Free to be scattered and all over the place and non-linear. Free to be inconsistent and forgetful, quiet or loud. Free to tell the truth even when my voice shakes. Free to tell you that it seems the older I get the less I know. Free to tell you that sometimes I feel such a heaviness in me I think I'll fall down with all the weight. And sometimes it feels like my heart can't handle the great miracle beauty of this flowering trees in full blossom, humming birds who come so close I can feel the wind from their wings on my cheek, the brightness and innocence of my little girls' smiles - the great beautiful honor of sitting by her side while a woman I loved and love dearly takes her last breaths.

Life is crazy-hard and wildly messy. Unbelievably, miraculously beautiful.

And I feel it all and it's hard to feel it all.

And I'm grateful. And tired. And grateful.

I just stumbled upon the following words:

"An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. 'A fight is going on inside me,' he said to the boy. 'It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil -- he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.'
He continued, 'The other is good -- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you -- and inside every other person, too.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'"
~ Cherokee legend
So strong and bright in my awareness right now is this knowing that I, that we as humans, always, always have a choice. Will we feed the wolf in us that wants to keep us small and contained and safe and liked. Or will we feed the wolf inside us that speaks of great expansion and love and FREEdom?  
I don't know how to sum this up or tie this in a pretty little bow, so for now, I'll leave you with these questions, the questions I'm asking myself pretty constantly right now:

What do you most want? 

Which wolf will you feed?

I send you all great love. May  you breathe deeply. May you trust. May you blossom. May you feed the wolf who will set you FREE.
With so much love,


  1. When we become preoccupied with life, we oftentimes forget to stand back and re-evaluate what we want out of life. We lose that freedom with every choice we make to volunteer and do things for others. It's not that helping others is a bad thing, but neglecting ourselves can hurt us in the long run.
    I'm glad I'm finally going on vacation soon, and hopefully rediscover the freedom outside of my daily obligations. ♥

    1. Yes, dear Karin. I hear you.

      I hope your vacation brings deep breathing and a fresh sense of clarity & possibility. Enjoy and listen deeply.

      Thanks so much for taking a minute to connect here - it is, you are, so appreciated.

      Sending you oodles of love. <3

  2. Julia,

    This speaks to me at such a deep harmonious place. I am transitioning into a freelance life that I could not have even imagined 12 months ago, but life changes. It's so exciting and freeing. And it scares the shit out of me every single day. But I want to feed the wolf that is full of hope and love and peace and generosity. And so in this moment I send deep gratitude to you

    Brave Teacher Mim

    1. Beloved Brave Teacher Mim, somehow this post ended up in the "spam" folder and I completely missed it until just now..almost three months later. And at just the perfect time. Me getting your comment, make me re-read my own words and something deep and real stirred in me. A prompting? A remembering that my voice matters? A deep love for YOU.

      Thank you for taking the time to connect. I wonder how your wolf feeding is going? I'm so happy for your new FREEDOM.

      "I want to feed the wolf that is full of hope and love and peace and generosity." Big YES-es to this. I'm so with you, my friend.

      LOVE to you.


What are you thinking/feeling? I'd really love to know...

♥ Julia