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Wednesday, May 23, 2018

My Heart Can't Contain It All

"I will not die an un-lived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." ~Dawna Markova

I used to, on a very regular basis, share my writing here in this space. I openly shared about the beauty and difficulties of being a mom to two little girls, about fear and doubt and overwhelm and presence and courage and love. I had a few beautiful followers who read what I wrote. 

I wrote and shared here in this space for many years. And then, I mostly stopped sharing my writing here. 

This morning, I'm thinking about why I stopped and I think one of the reasons I stopped is that, even though I had been sharing for years, it started to feel too vulnerable. And I started developing this fear of appearing narcissistic or too this or too that. Fear of not being a "good enough" writer. I remember there was this mean, bully voice in my head that said, "It doesn't matter if you share your writing, no one cares anyway." And there was a comment by someone very close to me about how my writing made them nauseous. (Yes, that one hurt.) 

After listening to the most beautiful Rachel Macy Stafford share some vulnerable truths via her incredible online class "Soul Shift," I felt the nudge to re-visit this blog space. Under "favorite posts," I found the below words, words I wrote and shared back in 2012. As I read the below words, something in me stirred and a big, full love for myself rose up. A love for the woman who had the courage to keep using her voice, who kept putting herself out in the world, even when it appeared no one was reading, even when her hands shook each time she clicked "publish." 

I've decided I want to be more like the woman who kept showing up no matter what. I've decided there is nothing more painful than containing what is no longer containable. I've decided that this world is in deep and desperate need of people who show up with their whole, authentic, love-filled, flawed and beautiful, truth-telling selves.

So, today, in honor of her, I pulled these words out of hiding and will share them here again. Thank you for taking the time to read. 

If you haven't yet read the above words, please read them now. Very, very slowly. And then, maybe read them again. I have a word for the year (peace) & a motto (doing it differently). This quote, I think I'm claiming it as my very own for all the rest of my days. 

I will not die an un-lived life. 

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. 

I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

You know how sometimes you feel like your heart might burst? Like, the love that you feel in there is running out of space because there is so much of it and you can't possibly contain it all?

I feel that way right now.

For all who live and breathe. For all that is.

For the soft, purring cat and the old, old sweet dog who are curled up and snoring beside me. For my beautiful, one-of-a-kind, precious sleeping little girls. For the seagulls that squawked all around me this morning, especially the one who tucked his little orange beak into his tail feathers and so trustingly closed his eyes. For the shadows and rocks and feathers and broken shells I found in the sand today. For the deep, deep breaths of all that fresh salty sea air. For the tiny granules of sand between my toes. For those brave, strong, moss covered oaks that grow in my backyard. For the moon that glows golden outside my window. For the messages and synchronicities that come at exactly the right time. For these miracle fingers that tap and tap. For LIFE that is so very fragile and so very strong and so very, very precious. For wounds that heal and love that grows and grows and grows some more. For my husband, my family, who continue to love me no matter what. For prayers that get said and prayers that get answered. For dreams that get dreamed and dreams that come true. For our sun that continuously, tirelessly shines and warms and lights and creates and breathes life into us all. For this heart that beats and beats - so strong, so alive, so full, so overflowing.

For the precious, beautiful ones who sob and hurt, who hurt so deeply, who are afraid and doubt. Who don't know why. Who keep putting one foot in front of another despite, much.

I want to stand at the very tippy top of the world and shout and sing and whisper, and hold every single one of your hands and hearts in my own and gently, gently whisper...I LOVE YOU.

To the whole wide messy, beautiful, just right world, I want to say-


To you, beautiful heart.

And you.

And you.

And a bazillion other yous. I want to say-

I love you.

You are so beautiful.

You are so brave.

You are so absolutely, gloriously, perfectly, preciously, uniquely YOU.

There is not a single other like you. Please, please don't ever be any other way.

You are just right exactly the way you are. 

You are just right. You can relax. You can just be.

I love you.


Namaste to the whole wide precious world,


"Selfie" taken on the Oregon coast on February 2, 2012

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♥ Julia