Painted Path

The Moon Does Not Worry

2012-02-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

“The moon does not fight. It attacks no one. It does not worry. It does not try to crush others. It keeps to its course, but by its very nature, it gently influences. What other body could pull an entire ocean from shore to shore? The moon is faithful to its nature and its power is never diminished.” Deng Ming-Dao (Quote found here)

Photo found here

Talk # 3. Love Fills Like Nothing Else

2012-02-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

"Isn’t it telling that at the end of our lives, when we are stripped of so much, when there is nothing to distract us because there is nothing left but whatever lies at our very core, what we relive, what we celebrate and mourn, are not our accomplishments or our failed dreams, but the ways in which we did and did not love?" Judy Clement Wall

My sweet girls on the Oregon coast

Okay, readers/listeners. I'm posting talk # 3 whether I want to or not. When I finished recording this and I walked away and had a little space, I realized that there were many things I had wanted to mention but didn't. So, there will for sure need to be a follow up to this talk. There's so much more...

For now, here I am--shaky-voiced, not sure what I'm doing, vulnerable as hell--doing it anyway.

One thing I know for sure...Love fills like nothing else.

Talk #3: Love Fills Like Nothing Else

Wide-Eyed Open

2012-02-06T21:41:00.000-08:00

I would have missed this

You, baby bird

with your half- broken wing

you, with your tiny freckles

and eyes that plead

please, please love me

just the way I am

I would have missed this

if I had held back the gush

of love

in that one-of-a-kind moment

the one that will never

be again

wispy angel clouds

hand reaching for mine

breath full of new

I would have missed you

if I'd been bound

by what was "appropriate"

by whether they'd approve

by should or shouldn't haves

what ifs or hows

if I had been measuring

or grasping, wishing

I had

or hadn't

If I had been thinking

this moment needed

to be more

or less

I would have missed this

but I didn't, thank God

instead I was

right Here

wide-eyed open

heartfirst diving

into this sparkling

never ending

sea of

You

My Heart Can't Contain It All

2012-02-03T06:46:00.000-08:00

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."

~Dawna Markova

Self portrait on the Oregon coast yesterday

* * *

If you haven't yet read the above words, please read them now. Very, very slowly. And then maybe read them again and again. I have a word for the year (peace) & a motto (doing it differently). This quote, I think I'm claiming it as my very own for all the rest of my days.

I will not die an unlived life.

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.

I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

You know how sometimes you feel like your heart might burst? Like, the love that you feel in there is running out of space because there is so much of it and you can't possibly contain it all?

I feel that way right now.

For all who live and breathe. For all that is.

For the soft, purring cat and the old, old sweet dog who are curled up and snoring beside me. For my beautiful, one-of-a-kind, precious sleeping little girls. For the seagulls that squawked all around me this morning, especially the one that tucked his little orange beak into his tale feathers and so trustingly closed his eyes. For the shadows and rocks and feathers and broken shells I found in the sand today. For the deep, deep breaths of all that fresh salty sea air. For the tiny granules of sand between my toes. For those brave, strong, moss covered oaks that grow in my backyard. For the moon that glows golden outside my window. For the messages and synchronicities that come at exactly the right time. For these miracle fingers that tap and tap. For LIFE that is so very fragile and so very strong and so very very precious. For wounds that heal and Love that grows and grows and grows some more. For my husband, my family, who continue to love me no matter what. For prayers that get said and prayers that get answered. For dreams that get dreamed and dreams that come true. For our sun that continuously, tirelessly shines and warms and lights and creates and breathes life into us all. For this heart that beats and beats, so strong, so alive, so full, so overflowing.

For the precious, beautiful ones who sob and hurt, who hurt so deeply, who are afraid and doubt. Who don't know why. Who keep putting one foot in front of another despite, despite...so much.

I want to stand at the very tippy top of the world and shout and sing and whisper, and hold every single one of your hands and hearts in my own and gently, gently whisper... I LOVE YOU.

To the whole wide messy, beautiful, just right world, I want to say-

I LOVE YOU.

To you, beautiful heart.

And you.

And a bazillion other yous. I want to say-

I love you.

You are so beautiful.

You are so brave.

You are so absolutely, gloriously, perfectly, preciously, uniquely YOU.

There is not a single other like you. Please, please don't ever be any other way.

You are just right exactly the way you are.

You are just right. You can relax. You can just be.

I love you.

Namaste.

Namaste to the whole wide precious world.

Love, Love & Love

2012-01-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

Words read: You are so loved

If there's one thing I'm really getting clear about, it's that we all just want to be loved.

We want to be loved right now, for exactly who we are. Not when we become more of this or that, not when we stop doing this or that or achieve this or that or get this or that together. We want to be loved with all of our uncertainty, all of our messiness. We want to be loved even though we can't seem to remember a single thing and we lose things all the time. We want to be loved even though we can't sing to save our lives, even though we suck at math, even though we're not creative(though this is just a silly lie we tell ourselves). We want to be loved even though we throw tantrums and are mean to our sister sometimes (I'm thinking of my little girls when I write this one). We want to be loved even though we're scatter-brained and can't seem to finish anything we start. We want to be loved even though we're "too" this or "too" that. We want to be loved even though we never (or rarely) seem to be able to get "it" together (whatever that even means).

We want to be loved even though we screw up (a lot).

Not only do we want to be loved but we want to be told we're love, we want to feel that we're loved, we want to be shown that we're loved.

And this is also clear. When we hold back from loving others, we hold back from loving ourselves. When we hold back from loving ourselves, we hold back from loving others. When we give love to others, we give love to ourselves. When we give love to ourselves, we give love to others. What we reject in others, we reject in ourselves. When we reach out with compassion for another, we reach out with compassion for ourselves. And vice versa. It's the same. One thing feeds another.

So, what's the answer to all of this angst/suffering/need for approval (that I think every human being on the planet feels)?

Love
Love
and Love.

I really believe it's that simple. And that complicated. That messy. And that preciously beautiful.

* * *

*On a very similar note, my poem, The Light, is over at Word Dance today, please stop by and say hello. I would love that.

*And while we're on the subject, if you want to read some absolutely gorgeous words about love, you must go read J's. They'll knock your socks off--seriously.

Talk #2! Letting Go, Letting Go, Letting Go! of the Need for Approval!

2012-01-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

"On this inside-out, inspired path to true work, the relationship we develop with ourselves is more important than anything else. There is nothing else. All work we love comes from the love we give to ourselves." Tama Kieves

Photo by Kevin Moul, Taos, New Mexico

Okay, below is the second audio. (!) I'm having so much fun with these! (Click here to listen to my first.) It feels incredibly freeing to be using my voice in this way. Thank you, thank you, each of you, for sharing your thoughts/insights on my last post. I absolutely loved hearing from you.

If you haven't already joined beautiful J and me in the 6-word day fun, it's not too late. Click here & come play with us! These little glimpses into each other's days has been so rich and sweet and connecting (and occasionally pretty hilarious). I have been continually (pleasantly) surprised at how big this "little" project feels.

***I have a question for you...is there something in your life that you LOVE to do (or think you would love to do) but don't do because fear holds you back? Maybe you're afraid someone won't approve or you're not "good enough"? Ask yourself this: Is external approval more important or is your own approval/joy/aliveness more important? Isn't it seriously time to let this the *f* go?

Talk #2! Letting Go, Letting Go, Letting Go of the Need for Approval!

Earphones recommended :) The volume is a wee bit low

Another Step Out of My "Comfort" Zone

2012-01-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what made me need to do this today, but here it is--a short, 8 minute (and 38 seconds) audio of me trying to put my scattered thoughts into words. Totally unedited (because I have no idea how to edit). Totally out of my comfort zone...but that's just perfect, I've decided. I'm not sure if figuring out how to create this was more out of my comfort zone (it seriously feels like a miracle that I somehow pulled this off!) or the sharing of it. Those of you who know me well know that anything technical is quite a challenge for me. But, I'm thinking the discomfort was quite worth it because look...I made this! I'm thinking there will be many more...

One more thing that I feel compelled to say is this...I think it's funny that we call it the "comfort" zone...isn't it incredibly uncomfortable to hold ourselves back from the life that is calling us? Perhaps we need a new term for this...

And another thing....this doing things differently really is a good thing.

*If you have headphones, I recommend putting them on (the volume is a little on the low side).

"What if you let your soul run your life instead of your mind? What if you stopped being so careful? What if you weren’t militant with yourself, but instead soft as butter. A small voice inside is trying to get your attention. It’s trying to burst through conditioning. You are royalty and prophecy. You have talents like no other. You will never know yourself while you refuse yourself." - Tama Kieves

P.S: J and I (and a whole bunch of other beauties) are having so much fun with our 6-word days...come join us here!

It

2012-01-20T08:22:00.000-08:00

I've been looking

for It

all day

in rain-soaked sidewalks

in the lit tip of his cigarette

in the threads

of the canvas, in the ink

dripping

off this page

Studying

naked branches

and dew drops about to fall. Praying

that I'll find It

there

in things I can see
and name

As if It

can be reeled in

and caught

As if

can be found

in things out

there

So Much to Share !

2012-01-18T11:52:00.000-08:00

"What will happen to us today is completely unknown. Our commitment is to use it to awaken our heart."

-Pema Chödrön

Breathe Peace

Click image to enlarge

After I painted this painting, I went for a walk and, sometime during this walk, I had this thought...oh my gosh, I think that bird I just painted is a Dove, don't Doves mean peace? (Those of you who have been reading know that peace is the word I chose as my little word for this year.) When I sat down to paint that day, I had no intention of painting a Dove so this was quite the revelation to me. When I got home, I looked at it again and thought-yep, that's definitely a Dove. And then I did a little online search and found this:

Symbolism of the Sacred Dove:

The Dove universally symbolizes innocence, gentleness, faith, marital affection, peace and constancy.

The deepest kind of Peace and Faith is symbolized by the Dove. It's image stills our worried and troubled thoughts, and shows us how to find renewal in the silence of our minds. In such moments of stillness, we are able to appreciate the simple blessings that go unnoticed in the chaos that surrounds us each day.

The Sacred Dove serves as a gentle reminder that there is always hope, new possibilities and miracles waiting, just around the corner...

Finding renewal in the silence of our minds--I love that.

I continue to be in absolute awe of the creative process. The fact that this Dove came through, without my needing to make it happen or control the process at all, brings me so much peace and solidifies my faith in...in, well, pretty much everything.

Despite the cold from hell that I've just decided is on its way out, I feel a gentle peace settling in. The air is oozing with possibility right now...I can feel it all over.

Now, a few more things to share!

Sample of Amanda Fall's artwork in Issue # 3 of Sprout magazine

Click image to enlarge

Issue # 3 of Sprout, the new online magazine created by Amanda Fall, is out! This issue's theme is BOLDNESS and it's seriously incredibly inspiring. There's gorgeous art, poetry, essays, photography, prompts...so so much to nudge you awake and stir the senses. I feel so honored to have my poem Unleashed in this edition. You can click here to download one for yourself.

I would rather drown in too much

than die of thirst

in not enough.

~Amanda Fall

I'm in love with the above words (found in this month's issue of Sprout).

One more thing! Beautiful J and I (and so many others) are having an absolute blast with our 6-word days. Below are our words for day 3. If you want to play along with us (come on, it's seriously fun!) head here and leave your words. I'm so enjoying doing something just for the fun of it--so refreshing.

Day3:

Julia: Taking NyQuil and going to bed.

j: I think I’m stealing Julia’s energy.

P.S: I've added a page (see the top of this home page) called "Poetic Plunge." I will be continually adding some of the poems that I am writing daily...some of which I will not be including here on the main page. Come visit me there. :)

Badass Love

2012-01-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

"Love doesn’t happen to us, it happens because of us, because of who we are and what we do. It happens because we make it happen, because we choose it. On any given day, we have the opportunity again and again to choose isolation, withdrawal, anger, fear… or love. Love is untidy. It’s unpredictable. It’s often inconvenient and occasionally terrifying. Love happens, I’m convinced, when we are magnificent and badass enough to make it happen."

-Judy Clement Wall

When my beautiful, bold, brave, incredible-writer, love warrior friend, Judy Clement Wall, told me she wanted to kick off her new site with something fun and collaborative, and asked me to join her, I said a wholehearted YES.

At the beginning of 2011, Judy began the Love Project. She declared publicly (on her blog Zebra Sounds) to spend all of 2011 "consciously, unabashedly, fearlessly spreading love." And she so beautifully and courageously did just that--it has been an incredibly inspiring thing to witness. Lucky for everyone, she has decided to extend/expand this incredible-ness.

In J's delicious words:

Last year , I tried hard to be fearless in love, and it changed me. I’m not the same person I was when I started the love project. Near the end of 2011, someone asked me if I thought I would be sad to see it end and I told her, 'I think maybe I’m just getting started.' My answer surprised me. It was a revelation. An uncharted step north.

And...

I am more convinced than ever that if we tap into our unique human capacity to choose love over fear, anger and withdrawal; if we let love fuel our hunger to communicate and create; if we believe in (and surrender to) its power to break us open in astonishing and transformative ways… we can change the world.

Love, is there anything more important?

To read more, head on over to J's brand new site, A Human Thing, which she launched today. Today! I think you'll find that what she's doing is quite beautifully contagious and quite incredibly brave and so damn important. Be prepared for your world to be rocked.

And, now for the details on our little project...

We will be sharing 41 (yes, that number again!) 6-word days. In J's words: Every night, we’ll email each other a 6-word glimpse of our day, whether it was wonderful or terrible or hilarious or strange, and we’ll post them on our sites. It’ll be like holding hands; together apart.

We'd love for you to join us. I have created a page specifically for this little collaboration (see the top of this home page). You can post your 6-word days there in the comment thread or on A Human Thing’s Facebook page. Come play with us!

* * *

And now here are our 6 words for day 1...

Julia: Snow falls and nudges us awake.

J: On the edge of something new.

Your turn! (Today, you can post your words right here below.)

Doing It Differently

2012-01-12T14:22:00.000-08:00

"You don't repair that relationship by sitting down and talking about trust or making promises. Actually, what rebuilds it is living it and doing things differently - and I think that is what is going to make the difference." ~Patricia Hewitt

Doing it differently. I've decided that (in addition to my little word) this is my new motto. Every morsel of my being has decided I can't do it the same anymore. What is it? It is anything where there is pain/old hurt/old hold back/old, self-imposed limitations. I'm feeling this on a deep, physical level...I am finding that (in the midst of something where I would typical react/respond in the old-worn-out way) my body is literally getting up and doing it differently. And since I'm having a tough time explaining this, let me give you an example.

On Saturday night my husband and I had a date night, not necessarily something that is typical for us. We went to a local restaurant/bar to eat dinner and listen to some live music. A little bit into the evening, I noticed my husband (who was sitting across the table from me) was beginning to yawn. And, as I noticed him yawning, I noticed myself getting angry. In my mind I was thinking oh, great, we never get to go out on dates and here we are out on a date and he's acting bored out of his mind....another mediocre evening.

And then I noticed myself thinking about all of the other mediocre evenings we've had and how very tired I am of mediocre. And while I was watching all of these typical/old/limiting thoughts (and all of the yucky emotions that went with them) permeate my being, I did something different. Are you ready for this? I watched myself stand up and walk to the other side of the table, the side of the table where my husband sat, and plop myself down directly beside him. And then....I watched myself begin to kiss him. Seriously. I can't really explain just how HUGE this was for me. And can I just tell you something? It changed EVERYTHING. It shifted the entire evening. He perked up. I perked up. We listened to the music, we woo-hooed, we kissed a bit more. We had a really good conversation where both of us really listened. We stayed out past midnight. And then we went home, and...continued to do things differently! Whew! Before we fell (happily) asleep that night, my husband said, I think I'm liking this doing things differently.

I think there was some serious planetary movement that night. I can feel the shift in every part of my being. And I'm in awe.

This is what I want most to say: one single action, one single movement, one single moment of choosing to do it differently can rock the whole world. How incredibly empowering is it to know this? It's not that I haven't known this before, it's just that something has shifted, deepened. And here's the thing...when we shift something in one area, it shifts things in every area. It's a choice, a decision, a knowing that we alone have the power to change everything.

And this is just one example...there is so much more. 2012 is seriously rocking my world.

Okay, everyone...I'm raising my glass right now (or rather my coffee mug)...here's to doing it differently!

WOOHOO!

Be One With That

2012-01-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

"Find that place which is effortlessly at rest within itself. Be there—be one with that." ~Mooji

♥ . ♥

. ♥

I'm over at Kind Over Matter with amazing Amanda today. We'd love to have you stop by for a visit.

Enjoy your Tuesday, my friends. As always, I'm so thankful you're here.

Julia

His Storms

2012-01-09T08:38:00.000-08:00

We got really good

at tiptoeing

Walking on eggshells

she used to say.

We never knew

when a misplaced word

or step

would unleash

his pain

There weren't warnings

for these storms

that raged. Never enough

time to take

shelter

The jolts

the pounding, the quaking

left us

drenched and dripping

Lifetimes later

we wait

for the aftershocks

to end

A Poetic Plunge

2012-01-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

"Breathe-in experience, breathe-out poetry." ~Muriel Rukeyser

My little Marielle taking the plunge

Okay. So. I'm not sure where to begin, really. There has been so much lately. So much clearing, aching, stuff that wants so much to be healed and let go of forever. There has been longing, softness, releasing, breathing. There has been a deep knowing that I cannot carry the old anymore, that the patterns/stories/fears that have had me all knotted up forever, have to march on. There have been deep, deep heart connections. Vivid, nighttime dreams. There have been lots of healing tears. And poetry. Family time, friend time, quiet time to sit and sit and breathe and wonder at it all.

And poetry. Did I mention poetry? There has been something happening with me & poetry lately--it seems that I can't stop writing it. And I don't want to stop. I want to let it come and sit and stay. I want to breathe it in and let it curl up beside me. I want to dream it and let it dream me.

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon something that continues, on a daily basis, to awe me. Via beautiful J's site, I discovered this woman. And can I just say, wow. If you venture over to her site, I won't have to say anything more. She writes a poem a day and they seriously knock the wind out of me (in a really good way). Her poems have a way of shifting something inside, like, when you flip something sideways and see it from a whole different perspective. I walk away wowed and changed somehow.

With some hesitation around this (the hugeness of the commitment has felt quite daunting--but not nearly as daunting as not committing), I've decided. I will write a poem a day. Not for my usual 41 days--that feels too temporary. But for the entire year.

I'm thinking about it like this....I want this to become a practice, like breathing deeply. I want this to be an integration of all the other 41 day practices I've done in the past. I want, each day, to sit and breathe and open and allow something to move through me. And I want to capture that something with words. Words that I will write down in my little leather journal, words that I will sometimes come here and share with you. I want this to help me become quieter, more attentive to the gifts,the beauty, the longing, more present & mindful. I want it to fill me up and quiet me at the same time. I want it to help me shed what no longer serves me. I want it to help me become more awake. I want to do this, not with the intention of fixing anything, but with the intention of being with all of it exactly as it is.

On New Year's Day, my family and I did something we've never done before. We put our swimsuits on and headed to our local aquatic center where we plunged into a very very cold pool of water. On my way down the really twisty slide, before I hit the shock of cold that left me gasping and exhilarated, I knew this was my way. My way of deciding to do it differently, of letting go, letting go, letting go of the old and stepping into the brand NEW. That cold water riveted me awake. Awake and at peace, this is the way I want to live.

Happy weekend, beautiful ones.

Julia

I Am

2012-01-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

It's not that I don't want to feel

the wind

of a thousand wild storms

or dance in the blaze

of one electrifying kiss

It's just that, in the midst

of it all

I want to be

clear

like crystal is clear

calm

like that old sleepy oak

So deep down rooted

and wide-armed welcoming

of what

that even when the ground trembles

and crumbles

beneath me

I See

like the mountain Sees

I Am

the life-giving

Breath

at the center

of it all

My Little Word

2012-01-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

"Peace isn't an experience free of challenges, free of rough and smooth; it's an experience that's expansive enough to include all that arises without feeling threatened." Pema Chödrön

Image found here

For the last several years I've chosen a word that would be my focus for the new year. Last year my chosen word was blossom (to read the story behind last year's word, click here). I originally learned about "one little word" from Ali Edwards and loved the idea so much I've chosen a new word every year since. In Ali's words...

And what do you do with this one little word? You live with it. You invite it into you life. You let it speak to you. You might even follow where it leads. There are so many possibilities.

This year I've chosen, or I think I can say, the word that's chosen me, is Peace. In the last week or so, since I've been thinking about what this year's word would be, a certain memory keeps surfacing. I think I was about twelve when my teacher at the time asked the class what we most wanted from life. I remember very immediately knowing that what I most wanted (for myself and others) was peace. As this memory has continually returned to me lately, I've become very aware that what I most want is to feel peace, to create peace, to inspire peace, to BE peace. Without it, everything else just feels empty and hard.

2011 was a year of blossoming in so many ways. Throughout the year I did several 41 day, very powerful practices...it started in February with 41 Days of Getting Quiet, followed by 41 Days of Simply Saying Yes, then 41 Days of Learning to Love this Body of Mine, then 41 Days of Creative/Dream Play. There was a lot of declaring/claiming/committing/practicing/shedding. I stepped more fully into my poet/creator self, I said yes to myself over and over again. It was also a year of some seriously rocky moments, a ton of shedding/releasing of the old, non-serving ways. Looking back, I'm realizing (in addition to it being energizing) it was quite tiring. In fact, I feel tired right now just thinking about it all.

In Pema Chödrön's words: Peace isn't an experience free of challenges, free of rough and smooth; it's an experience that's expansive enough to include all that arises without feeling threatened.

I know that peace doesn't depend on what's happening. It depends on how I respond to what's happening--it's an inside thing. I don't ever expect (nor would I even want) life to be free of challenges. What I want, though, is to allow for it all...to be at peace with what IS. To BE PEACE no matter what.

And now, the sun is shining! I must turn this machine off and get outside. More soon!

To choosing peace!

Julia

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

2011-12-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

Image found here

The way the Light kisses
the snowberry as if for the last time
The way the dew drop holds on for dear life
before it lets go
The way
the two winged ones share
the same fragile branch

Makes me want to live better

Makes me want to, for all the rest of my days

bow and weep and sing

Hallelujah!
and promise to stay forever
wide-eyed Awake
to the undeniable poetry
of it all

* * *

On this last day of 2011, I wish each of you a New Year sparkling with Love...may we all wake up to the magical poetic beauty of it all. Thank you for being here with me.

With so much love,

Julia

Can you?

2011-12-28T00:11:00.000-08:00

Photo by rfishw

Can you, for just a minute

leave

the white tablecloth, the washing, the sorting, the scanning

the lists, the date books, the .coms, the inbox, the words, the numbers

the goals, the resolutions, the plans, the labels, the schedule, the old

stories
the scars, the scales, the bruises, the pains, the aches

the what ifs, the should haves, the pointing fingers, the too small boxes, the questions, the containers, the dividers, the protectors

the sickening
paralyzing
expectations?

Can you, for just a minute

hush

the voices that howl madly

at your old, tired
cowering

little self?

For a brave minute or two

can you pry open the bars

and listen

to the wordless--

to the hum

between

to that which births snowflakes
and stars and sighs

and moonlit little streams?

On this frozen winter night

when your heart

especially needs warming, I'm wondering

can you, for just a minute

get quiet enough to hear

the silent
flutter

of this one precious

life

of this one
precious breath?

In the Space Between Before and After

2011-12-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

"I’m becoming a fan of 'the pause.' Between notes and pages and words and breaths, between thought and voice, between action and reaction. In that momentary stillness, in that space between before and after, there is possibility, a myriad of paths that can be taken, a dozen different versions of me." -Judy Clement Wall-

Gorgeous art by Lori Portka

I'm allowing myself a moment to pause here, to breathe deeply, to notice the way my insides feel when I fill them with even just one conscious breath. I'm taking a moment to look around...what is here now? My sprawled out sleeping cat, the voices of my girls doing "plays" in the other room, the empty coffee mug, the unmade bed, the unpacked bags, the lists. I'm taking a moment to notice how my mind keeps wanting to take me out of this moment to spin the tale of a thousand things that "need" doing. There are still gifts to buy, dirty laundry spilling, bathrooms that could really use some scrubbing...there is always so much. Especially during this busy holiday time.

But here's the thing. We can always slow down, we can always pause, we can always choose to breathe before we respond. We can always choose to do it differently--with love instead of urgency, with mindfulness rather than all-over-the-place-ness. We can always pause to remember what really matters--and isn't what really matters always LOVE? Always Peace. It's never about what "needs" doing.

During this busy time, I am going to do my best to slow it all down, to allow joy to be my guide rather than allowing the "shoulds" to drag me all over the place. I will do my best to pause for long enough to allow my heart to be activated so that I can respond from a place of loving and giving rather than frustration and irritation. I will do my best to be gentle and kind, to let go and ask for guidance when my controlling little self tries to take over. I will do my best to breathe, to pause, to open, to listen. I will do my best to love myself anyway when I fail miserably at all of the above (something tells me this might be the most important thing of all).

My presence here will be fleeting as I do my best to sink into what's here now. My children, my husband, my family, the twinkling lights, the noise & quiet between it all.

In that space between before and after
there is possibility
a myriad of paths that can be taken.

In that space between before and after, there is possibility. We can always begin again from right where we are.

Here's to remembering what really matters. Here's to remembering that it's always always about Love.

Happiest of holidays to each of you beauties.

With so much love,

Julia

My Wish For You

2011-12-15T16:49:00.000-08:00

Art/words by Kristin Noelle

Beautiful words say....

May you find rest

May the fears

and the feelings

and the voices

and the memories

that tie you so in knots

release

And you find yourself in a soft place

I so hope this for you, beautiful one....

Why Wait?

2011-12-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this moment is the only one you know you have for sure.

-Oprah-

The above quote just won't leave me. It shows up in my mind when I find myself rushing through things, when I start thinking that somehow the next thing is more important than what is right here, right now. It showed up in my mind just a few minutes before I started writing this post (while I was in the midst of running through the list of all that I need to do this afternoon before I pick my little ones up for school, the list of things to do before Christmas decides to show up). Of course, it is at the top of this home page so I see it every time I come here. But it's more than that.

It's the message that is circulating in my blood right now, it's screaming & whispering at me to pay attention, to sink into the preciousness that is here now. Especially during the busyness of this holiday season, I can't be reminded of this enough. It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that the only place I will ever find peace is here in this very moment.

On Monday, I wrote the below words for the beautiful Heart & Soul community, I will leave them with you now. I am still sitting with the question I asked, what would you do today if you didn't take it for granted that there would be a tomorrow? It feels like an important question.

In the meantime, I will be doing my best to breathe, to let go, to focus on what really matters, to slow it all down and BE fully where I am. To remind myself that this moment is the only one I know I have for sure. I hope you will too.

* * *

I hope you'll take a moment to read the above words slowly (referring again to these beautiful words written above by Oprah) to actually pause for a moment and breathe a couple of full, deep, cleansing breaths. I will do the same. And then I hope, just for a moment, you can allow yourself to let go of whatever it is that is weighing you down, whatever it is that is keeping you from being RIGHT HERE in this very breathing moment. This moment, the one that is right here, right now. Truly it is the only moment we know we have for sure.

The sun is shining ever so brightly through the window right in front of me, it is warming my face, there is a tiny squirrel balancing on the edge of the fence, the oak tree branches move in the wind. It's quiet and warm here....I can take a moment to breathe it all in.

I'm wondering...what would you do today if you didn't take it for granted that there would be a tomorrow?

What would you let go of? Is there anything that has been tugging at you...any words you'd like to say to a loved one, anything that you want desparately to do but you've been putting off 'till later? Anything you wouldn't do? Any "I'm sorrys" that you'd want to say? Anyone you'd like to hold close?

I'm wondering...why wait?

Kind Kindred

2011-12-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am over at Kind Over Matter with the beautiful Amanda Oaks today. My writing Peace Is Right Here is part of the Kind Kindred series. Please stop by and say hello!

YOU

2011-12-08T09:43:00.000-08:00

dance, originally uploaded by Sissel Annett

YOU

I love you

because you're here

because our feet kiss the same ground

because when you find your roar

your roar finds me

I love you

because you ache and giggle

because you don’t always get it "right"

because when it pours

we both get drenched

I love you with my whole wide singing heart

because in your eyes I See

all
you think you're not

I love you

because I meet myself

in the furrow of your brow

because in the curve of your smile

I smile too

Take my hand, let's roam

let's pause

at the edge of the stream

no wants

no words

no worries

just the Light in you dancing

with the Light

that is me

I dedicate this poem to my young Aunt May who took her own life because she couldn't see her own Light.

I dedicate it to all who breathe and ache and forget. My deepest desire in all the world is that we will all wake up and remember.

Day 41! of Creative/Dream Play

2011-12-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

"To meet your passion you must jump naked into the deep waters of the unknown. It is an act of love and trust. You paint what is given to you, as it comes, never avoiding, postponing, or bargaining. You listen carefully inside, entering the mystery, moving toward the real, learning to be where you are." Michele Cassou

"Be You"

Those of you who have been following along here for a while might know that, for the last 41 days, I have been playing with creativity...and what a ride it's been.

I'm not sure yet how to put words to what this process has been for me, I think it's all too close right now...with a little distance, clarity and understanding will come--it always does.

For now, I'll leave you with my "Be You" birdie and just say I've been jumping "naked into the deep waters of the unknown" and moving closer to what is Real. It's been liberating and tender and shaky and many things I can't yet put into words. For all of you who have been here by my side through the wildness of it all, thank you! It has meant everything.

I hope that today you are intensely aware of how beautiful it is to be YOU.

Open the Love Window

2011-12-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

Photo by Kevin Moul Taos, New Mexico

-By Rumi-

There is some kiss we want

with our whole lives,

the touch of spirit on the body.

Sea water begs the pearl to break its shell

And the lily,

how passionately it needs some wild darling.

At night I open the window

and ask the moon to press her face

against mine.

Breathe into me.

Close the language door

and open the love window.

The moon won’t use the door,

only the window.

On this 38th day of Creative/Dream Play, I have so much to say, so much I'd like to share with you about this wild & beautiful ride I'm on. But there is this deep knowing in me and today it is saying, be quiet. Get still. Close your eyes and feel the sun on your face (the sun is shining!). Watch the leaves fall--hold a few in your hand and look close and closer. Lean in. Listen to what the birds have to say. Breathe the fresh air deep into your body. Put color on paper. Curl in close to your own tender heart. Nestle up to the moon. Feel the touch of Spirit on your body.

Today I will listen.

Happy weekend, beautiful people. I have so much love in my heart for you. Thank you for being Here with me.

Julia

The Secret That's Not Really A Secret

2011-11-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

"The irony of hiding the dark side of our humanness is that our secret is not really a secret at all. How can it be when we're all safeguarding the very same story? It's almost a joke--a laughable admission that each one of us has a shadow self, a bumbling, bad-tempered twin. Big surprise! Just like you, I can be a jerk sometimes. I do unkind, cowardly things, harbor unmerciful thoughts, and mope around when I should be doing something constructive. Just like you, I wonder if life has meaning; I worry and fret over things I can't control; and I often feel overcome with a longing for something that I cannot even name. For all of my strengths and gifts, I am also a vulnerable and insecure person, in need of connection and reassurance. This is the secret I try to keep from you, and you from me, and in doing so we do each other a grave disservice." Elizabeth Lesser (From her amazing book, Broken Open)

I'm here wondering and fretting, stumbling and falling and flailing.
I'm here moping around when I "should" be doing something constructive.
I'm here longing, with every morsel of my being, for something I cannot even name.
I'm here harboring unmerciful thoughts.
I'm here being a cowardly, sobbing jerk, being unkind...to myself.
I''m here hoping, praying, pleading that I can, that we all can, stop hiding/protecting/shielding/blocking the light.
I'm here (in my beautiful friend Judy's words) trying to find my true north, trying to stop knocking myself off track.
I'm here to tell you (and myself) you're not alone. You're never alone.
I'm here to tell you that we all have a cowardly shadow self, that it's safe to stop hiding it.
I'm here hoping that if you haven't yet read the above words by Elizabeth Lesser, that you'll read them now, and that if you have read them, you'll read them again.
I'm here to tell you that we're doing ourselves and each other a grave disservice when we try and safeguard our shadows.
I'm here longing, deeply longing, for connection and reassurance.
I'm here hesitantly, humbly, laughably admitting that I have a shadow self.
I'm here to tell you that nothing Real can be threatened. And that what is Real is always only a breath away.
I'm here.

Where are you?

From Head to Heart....11 Ways to Shift

2011-11-28T13:46:00.000-08:00

"Whenever a habitual no to life turns into a yes, whenever you allow this moment to be as it is, you dissolve time as well as ego." Eckhart Tolle

"Peace is Right Here"

Click on image to enlarge

It feels hard to face the blank page after several days of not being here. Of course, that is because my mind is throwing out all of its bad advice and refuses to allow me to begin. Beginning is always the toughest part, I find. But then, soon, words start to appear and it doesn't seem quite so daunting as before when the page was all white and wide open.

As I've been hopping from one blog to the next this morning, hoping inspiration would find me or that I would find it, I decided to open my own notebook to see if there was something there that would quiet all the mind noise that's going on here. What I found is below...

From Head to Heart....11 Ways to Shift

1) Find the gifts. In every single situation, in every person, in every moment there are gifts to be found...when I shift my focus from what feels wrong to what is right, when I shift my focus from lack to abundance, heaviness lifts--lightness settles in. No matter how "bad" things may appear, there are always gifts to be found. Making a gratitude list, looking around and appreciating all that IS is the quickest way to shift from heady funkiness to light-hearted abundance

2) Get intensely present. Come back to what is right here in front of me. Let go of all thoughts and settle into what is right here. It is the thoughts that take me away from the beauty that is right here, right now.

3) Become the observer. Remember that I am not my thoughts. I am the quiet presence that observes/watches my thoughts.

4) Begin. Just begin. Whatever it is that I am wanting but resisting, just take a baby step in the direction of that desire. Just one step in the direction of what is calling me

5) Trust in WHAT IS. Know that everything is exactly as it should be. Know that it's all happen FOR me not To me

6) Get still. Breathe. Listen to the quiet places inside

7) Move. Get outside in nature and MOVE my body. Tuning into the beauty/simplicity/strength of the natural world...always helps me to get out of my head & into the present moment

8) Create & Lighten up. Draw, paint, write, color, play with clay, sing, dance..giggle, read or watch something silly...creating & giggling always shifts things

9) Love Yourself. Do something loving/nurturing/pampering for yourself

10) Talk/Connect with a friend. It always helps so much to know that I am not alone in any of this

11) Give. Ask, what can I give in this moment? I love these words written by Eckhart Tolle: You cannot receive what you don't give. Outflow determines inflow. Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you already have, but unless you allow it to flow out, you won't even know that you have it. Ask yourself often: 'What can I give here; how can I be of service to this person, this situation?'

Ahh...so there. I have to say, once again, that I have shown myself that the answers are always within, that nothing whatsoever outside of me needs to change in order for me to find Peace. When I shift out of my past/future/fear-based thoughts and drop into my heart, the sun shines. Such a beautiful thing.

P.S: Today is day 34 of 41 Days of Creative/Dream Play! How did this many days go by? The above drawing is one of the many that I've created during this time. It's been a beautiful process in letting go and allowing magic to flow through.

Live Gratitude

2011-11-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.” –Sarah Ban Breathnach

I have been gifted a few minutes to myself and I only have a few, so, on this eve before Thanksgiving, this will have to be short and sweet. My girls have been home all week this week (yes, they had an entire week off) so I've had to let go of much of what I normally do in a week, but it has been good to let go.

Right now as I write, my husband is making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner, the house smells of pumpkin bread that my six-year-old and I baked this afternoon, the rain continues to fall, soulful music from the front of the house reaches me here in the back of the house, it is warm, I am comfortable. Life is sweet and there is so very much to say thank you for.

And since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I will include my "butterfly" list out here in the wide open this evening.

Saying thank you for...

*the kitty who is purring & warming my lap as I write...such warm, furry coziness

*the walk in the rain with my girls this afternoon. Umbrellas, rain boots/coats, bundled--we walked (and skipped a little) on the path with the huge fallen yellow leaves, crossed a creek, took deep breaths of all that fresh air, played a sweet little word association game, held snow berries in our hands, soaked our hair, got muddy...I'm so glad we decided to "brave" the weather. Such goodness.

*watching the girls drink their hot chocolate (with mint) afterwards. Chocolate faced sweetness.

*the very yummy dinner of spaghetti & meatballs my husband made this evening...even had fresh chanterelle mushrooms. And I didn't have to cook a single bit of anything

*sweet family game time this evening--lots of giggles and silliness

* perspective...it's so very good to know that I always have the choice of where to focus my attention. I can always look for the gifts in every moment. And they are always there. Always.

* a full, content belly

* healthy sleeping beautiful children

* the opportunity to watch my family run in the "Turkey Trot" tomorrow morning--no running required on my part--just coffee-drinking watching and cheering them on!

* the tender-hearted, beautiful women I have in my life. They tell the truth. They feel the fear and do it anyway. They believe in their dreams even when they can't see the hows in any of it. They know that there is nothing more powerful than love and they stand by it no matter what

*the creative process...I continue to be in awe of all it has to teach me. Each time I sit down to create, I am called to let go and Trust and, always, a little magic flows through

*the present moment. I am reminded of the quote from Oprah..."Breathe, let go and remind yourself that this is the only moment you know you have for sure." I think this pretty much sums it up.

Happy Thanksgiving, beautiful people. Let's remember to breathe and let go and to live gratitude. Imagine if we could all live gratitude not just tomorrow but every single one of our todays...that would be a very beautiful thing. Heaven on earth, maybe.

*Image found here

Spark, Sprout, Surrender, Shine

2011-11-21T09:50:00.000-08:00

Artwork by Rachel Awes

I so don't know all the steps. Lately it doesn't feel like I know any of them. I'm learning though, that this is actually a good thing. This not knowing what comes next is giving me no choice but to settle into this very moment--just this one. Though the littleness of me (ego) is fumbling and flailing, gripping and grabbing for dear life, it's getting to the point where I have no choice but to let go. It's either suffer like crazy, which I seriously can no longer do, or let the hell go already.

And I'm getting, more and more deeply, that letting go requires trust (with a capital T)-- that I will be (in Elizabeth Lesser's words) caught and talk and turned toward the light. It requires a trust in something beyond what I can see or name. It requires turning within for the answers that clearly are not anywhere else. It requires letting go of trying to wrap my mind around anything. It requires trusting Love more than I trust a safe, well-thought-out plan.

I am so thankful for words like these (below) written by Tama Kieves, a woman who stepped out of her known, secure, lawyer career to feed the spark in her heart::

"I know that once I stopped trying to fit what I wanted to do into some kind of real-world form, what I wanted to do sprouted urgent feathers and took flight. I didn't care where it led because I could never go back to a life of limits on my love. I know it sounds preposterous to choose something when you can't imagine how it could work. But on this path, it's riskier to see how it can work and how it will taint your love. Choose the storm instead of the form."

I know that whatever it is that I'm doing (or not doing) doesn't fit into any kind of real-world form. And some days it feels like I'm standing dead center in the eye of the storm and the ground has dropped entirely away. But I'm getting that the solid, grounded, magical, peaceful feeling that I'm after, doesn't come from knowing what's going to come next. Where would the magic be in that? It comes from knowing/Trusting that if I continue to follow this sparkly light inside, it will lead me exactly where I need to go. So, as I have been surrendering to the creative process these last twenty seven days, I am closer to doing the same in my life. Though, damn! It can get stormy out here. Thankfully (so thankfully) we have each other to hold us upright when those winds get howling. I am forever thankful for that.

In Rachel Awe's beautiful words, though you never never know all the steps, you must learn to join the dance.

Dancing? That sounds like fun. Wanna tango?

P.S: My poem Living Piece of Art is featured in Sprout, a new online magazine. It's really beautifully done--so much wisdom and healing in its bright, colorful pages. Click here to check it out.

She Was Nurturing Her Creative Dreams

2011-11-19T21:00:00.000-08:00

Artwork by the beautiful Lori Portka

Yes, she was.
Yes, she is.

You?

A Poetic Kind Of A Day

2011-11-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Siamo infiniti. by Whitney Justesen

My poem No Matter What is over at the beautiful Kind Over Matter today. Please come over and say hello.

Listening to the part that Knows

2011-11-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

"Beauty is in the honest gesture. It is harmony between you and your work. Integrity and presence are its main ingredients. No aesthetic concepts can replace what is authentic. When you let go of result you are free to be yourself. There is no greater beauty than the manifestation of that truth." Michelle Cassou

41 Days of Creative/Dream Play: Day 22

I am learning to listen to intuitive guidance even when, and maybe especially when, it doesn't seem to make any sense.
I am learning to put pen/pencil/oil pastel/paintbrush on paper and allow myself to be guided by something beyond my little controlling self.
I am learning to listen immediately to guidance/intuitive knowing, to not wait until my mind bullies its way in and talks me out of things.
I am learning that I can share even when, and maybe especially when, something looks messy and unfinished, even when I don't think it's "good."
I am learning that "good" doesn't matter.
I am learning that trying to be is exhausting. And that BEing is liberating.
I am learning that there is no separation between creating and life, that the nature of life is creative and that the more I let go and trust in the midst of painting/drawing, etc....the more I am able let go and trust in the midst of life.

This creature above started with a few squiggly lines, those squiggly lines led to more lines and then circles and then lines again, then birds and flowers and more circles. One moment at a time of letting go of needing to know what would come next, one moment at a time of trusting that I was being led, one moment at a time of letting go of needing to control, one moment at a time of letting go of needing to please, one moment at a time of letting go of product. One moment at a time of becoming the quiet observer, the unattached witness, the one who is curious about what will come next, the one who allows and receives rather than pushes and tries.

I am in awe of the creative process. I am in awe of what comes through when I get little wanting me out of the way. I'm in awe of whatever came through to create this bird-creature. I know she is here to teach me something, to show me something about myself-about life. I know that she would never have come through had I been trying. I know that the letting go that happened in order for her to be birthed, was incredibly healing. The way in which she was created was sacred and everything in me wants/needs to hold the space for what is sacred, for what is healing, for what is real and rich and full of love.

And then there is little wanting me. She is very afraid & wants desperately to speak her fears, she tells me to DO DO DO! She tells me I should find a way to get my book published, she tells me I should learn software programs that will enable me to format my book, she tells me I'm not DOing enough, that I'm never doing enough. That it's not good, that it will never be good enough. She tells me that creating this book needs to be hard, serious work, she tells me that there is an incredible urgency here. She is afraid to press "publish," she is afraid of what you will think. She thinks product is more important than process. This afraid part can be very noisy sometimes.

And then there is this other part...the soft, quiet, gentle, knowing part that says--shhhhhh, it's okay, get quiet, turn within--you know what to do or not to do, this can be light & playful, you can be guided and led every step of the way, you don't need to do it the old way--in fact, you can't possibly do it the old way anymore--you're not meant to do it the old way. All you need to do is fill yourself with light, nurture the heck out of yourself, find the gifts, Trust with a capital T, know that it's all happening in perfect order, at exactly the right time. Allow yourself to be guided. The path will be illuminated one step at a time. It's safe to let go. It's safe to let go.

One thing I know for sure is that no amount of doing or having, no amount of creating something "good" will ever be enough if I'm not honoring what is real and true in me. It is not "good" that matters, it's the honest gesture that matters, it's presence and integrity and authenticity that matters. It's Truth that matters. It's how I feel in the midst of creation and how that feeling (and what manifests from that feeling) fills and heals that matters. It's Love that matters. When I let go of result I am free to be myself. No aesthetic concept can replace what is authentic. Yep, this I know for sure.

Thank you bird friend, thank you creative process, thank you life for teaching me so much.

Are You Willing?

2011-11-14T14:33:00.000-08:00

Photo found here

Are you willing, in the name of Truth

to be unliked, unloved

misunderstood

to feel shaky-voiced afraid

"not ready"

and to say yes! anyway

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to stretch

in the direction of the moon

even when those old voices

say their old things

do you dare stretch anyway

show up anyway

do it anyway

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing

to sob when you feel like sobbing

laugh when it's not "appropriate"

raise your voice

when it's "better" to be quiet

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to slow down

when their speeding up

to say no to them

if it means saying yes

to You

to show up when your knees are quaking

your voice shaking

when every scared part of you wants to run

and hide

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to turn the faucet all the way on

even while you're being cautioned

to be careful

to be safe, to be realistic

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to stay awake

no matter how sleepy you are

no matter what's happening or isn't

no matter what they say

or don't say

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to Trust

even when the only step you see is

this one

to be directionless, without a map

a path, a past

or a plan

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to fall back

all the way back

to release your grip

on all you thought

you knew

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to embrace

your quirks and “flaws”

find the gifts In your "mistakes"

and theres

to shine your shine

no matter what

to Love

no matter what

to Trust

no matter what

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to wait

when it's not yet time

to leap when it is

to shed, unravel, peel away, let go

until you are left with only

what is Real

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to break free

from your boxes

tear down the walls

trust that love

is your best protection, the only thing

that’s Real

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing to lean toward, lean into

that which cannot be bound

to brush the moon with your fingertips

to go beyond

what is beyond

tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

Are you willing

to let go of trying to be "good" if it means

stepping toward God

toward Love, toward whatever

makes you gasp

and grin and giggle

Tell me, are you willing

do you dare?

11/11/11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

A quick "rough" sketch

I want to tell you how rich this creative time has been for me and how, if I hadn't declared my intentions here (17 days ago) I am certain that this daily creating would not be happening. Not surprisingly, the more I show up to create, the more creativity seems to be flowing out of me.. like a faucet has been turned on or turned up. Thank you, dear reader, for being my witness, my support, my reason to share.

I want to tell you how, a few nights ago, when I was resisting the hell out of working on my book, I kept getting this message to Just open the book file, just open it! And when I did, the first thing I noticed was the number of words I had so far...3,333! And then I had this strong nudge to google the significance of this number, and, oh wow. Here's a quote from what I found...

The 3333 recurring number sequence indicates that the Ascended Masters and angels are near you at this time, reassuring you of their love, support and companionship. When you notice the 3333 number sequence repeating to you, call upon the Ascended Masters and angels often. They are aware of your position or situation and know the best way to go about things for the highest good. They will help and guide you through your next life phase and wait for you to call upon them.

Here's the thing...it doesn't matter at all that I know nothing about numerology or whether or not I even believe in the significance of specific numbers...what is significant to me is that I had an intuitive nudge to look this up and I followed that nudge--I said yes to it. And what I found felt like the most beautiful kind of support. I went from feeling a painful amount of resistance and doubt to feeling fully supported and an opening to possibility. After this experience, I was assured that this "working on my book" need not look like anything my mind might conjure up...

I want to tell you that I've been seeing so many deer in my neighborhood lately and they've been reminding me to be gentle and soft. I love these sweet animals--I want to curl up with one.

I want to tell you how incredbily meditative it's been to draw--to show up with absolutely no agenda and sink fully into the process. Drawing is something I've never really done before (I decided it was something that I just didn't do or couldn't do)--it's so nice to be shedding that silly view of myself and simply show up.

I want to tell you that I gathered with a group of women a few nights ago & it was the sweetest, most connecting evening. We told stories, shared art & poetry, drew Tarot cards, laughed, cried a little, set intentions and asked for support, wrote our wishes down & placed them in a gorgeous, little wishing box, it was a wide open, treasure of an evening.

I want to tell you that the more I tune into my intuitive voice and listen to its messages, the more messages there seem to be to hear. When I follow through with what's being conveyed, regardless of whether it makes sense to my mind, things expand--beautiful, unexpected things happen.

I want to tell you that the more I let go of "good" (meaning trying to create something "good"), the more creative freedom I am finding...there is no doubt that this freedom transfers to every single area of my life.

I want to tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you. Your support & encouragement helps keep my fire lit and lit and lit. Thank you so very much for being here.

I hope your 11/11/11 overflows with whatever you want it to overflow with.

With so much love,

Julia

No Matter What

2011-11-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

I see

you are just like me

achingly wanting

achingly waiting

achingly yearning

to sprout, to bud, to blossom

into the whole, sacred essence

of you

I see little girl you

who lost and never found

who wanted but never got

who saw but was seldom

Seen

I see ancient woman you

how deeply

she wants to be loved

for her shadows as much as her light

how deeply

she wants to be embraced

for her wild

and her tender

I see

I am here

to remind you

that you no longer

need to shrink in order to fit in

you no longer need to contain

what isn't containable

you no longer need to be

the convenient version of what you think

they want you to be

I see

I am here to invite you

to lean the tenderness of you

into the tenderness of me

to promise

not to try to solve

or fix

or wish anything away

to promise

to love you

no matter what

Do You Dare?

2011-11-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Hello, lovely ones,

I'm sitting here in the cozy and quiet of my living room, watching the rain and leaves fall, listening to my sweet kitty purring beside me, breathing in the scent of vanilla-sandalwood that is coming from the burning candle next to me, taking deep appreciative breaths of it all.

Below is a little blurb from the pages of words that came rushing quietly through during my 2:00 am burst a few mornings ago.

Are you willing, in the name of Truth, to be unliked, unloved

misunderstood

Are you willing to feel trembly afraid, to be shaky-voiced and not ready

and to say yes anyway

Are you willing to take bold leaps and jumps from one flame to the next

tell me, are you willing

Do you dare?

There were many more words that came out with these--I will share more soon....

* * *

*Today is day thirteen of my 41 days and so much beauty is surfacing. There were many moments last week when I was so completely resisting myself and the nagging mind voices were getting the best of me. It was a serious effort to get myself to simply begin but I kept showing up anyway. And consistently I noticed that once I began, I relaxed into the moment (mostly) and sunk into the process. I found myself drawing with pen and pencil, painting a little, taking photographs of all the light I could find, rolling sushi rolls...things I most likely would not have done had I not made my declaration here. The drawing above was meditative--it felt so good to just sink into the process and allow what wanted to come through to come through.

* * *

On another note...I had the honor of being a guest over at Jodi Chapman's beautiful, soulful blog, Soul Speak. Please stop by and say hello!

You Can No Longer

2011-11-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Photo found here

So, as I'm sure you got from that last post, there's some intensity going on over here! It's a jolt-me-out-of-sleep-in-the-middle-of-the-night intensity. It's a fiery, you-can't-go-back-to-sleep energy. It's a I-can't move-my-fingers-fast-enough-to-keep-up-with-all-the-thoughts energy.

It's an energy I know I need to listen to.

And I'm being called to share bits and pieces of whatever I can share. There are all kinds of messages and knowings coming through right now, too much to possibly get down all at once or in any kind of linear order...as I said a couple of days ago, I am not linear or ordered so I will let myself be messy and all over the place--this is one of the messages that is coming through loud and clear:

Let yourself be messy and all over the place.

At 2:00 am this morning, here are some of the words that were there, here in my being, loud and so very crystal clear:

You can no longer contain what isn't containable.
You can no longer turn the faucet only half way on.
You can no longer be a "convenient" version of what you think they may want you to be.

Wow.

These were just a few of the messages/knowings coursing through me in the wee hours of the morning. I will share more later.

I know I'm being called to share these messages because they are very much not just for me. So take them personally. And not so personally.

And now this is coming through...

Open. Pay attention. OPEN.

P.S: Today is Day 11 of 41 Days of Creative/Dream Play. Oh my. There are some seriously dreamy, playful things going on here.

With so much love for each of you,

Julia

One Voiceless Voice

2011-11-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

"The shifting voices of a thousand selves eventually must tire and dwindle. One voiceless voice dwells in the void and discerns. Wait and you shall have the knowledge you seek. Rush and your anxiety will answer you." Tama Kieves

Photo taken on my light-filled walk yesterday

I don't even know where to begin with this but I know I must begin somewhere. There is an energy swirling around me and inside of me that I don't know what to do with--at least that's what my mind tells me. It keeps telling me, over and over again, that I don't know what to do, what to focus on, which direction to take.

Ha! silly mind--you no longer get to decide.

An ex-boyfriend of mine once told me that I am very smart "in an extremely non-linear way." Something in me wanted to be insulted by this evaluation of my intelligence but I knew just what he meant. The thing I'm realizing right now as I write this, and one of the reasons that there has been such a sense of struggle, is that I've really tried (to some degree) to force myself into linear-ness. As all-over-the-place as I've always been, as much as there is this fireball in me wanting to burst the hell finally open, I've tried to contain it...to hold it down, to keep it quiet, to be polite and not TOO MUCH of anything. I haven't wanted to be too much. Whatever too means.

But here's the thing...or one of the things. Okay, the words are moving much faster than my hands can right now. And my heart is beating, beating out of my chest and I feel like I want to jump the hell up and SCREAM and Dance and DRUM and MOVE this energy right on out of here. The thing is, this containing, this holding it down, holding it in, is TOO much for me, it's been TOO much for me for a long long time and DAMN IT...it's time to set it free. To blast it the hell out of here. I cannot, I REPEAT, I CANNOT contain it anymore. Whatever IT is.

Whew. Okay. Breathing now. Slowing down. Listening. Heart still beating very fast. What I really want to say is that I'm tired. I'm tired of listening to the shifting voices of a thousand selves. So very tired of sitting pretty (whatever that means...it just came out so I let it), of allowing this mind to step in the way of the whole bigness of me. I am so very tired of trying to put it all tidy & in order, in a straight little line, when that's not me. I am not neat and ordered. I repeat! I AM NOT NEAT AND ORDERED!!!!! Hell, I don't even want to be neat and ordered.

I had a powerful and important dream last night that there was a fire...it was in the fireplace at first, contained, warm, fine. And then it wasn't contained--suddenly it got out of control, started bursting out all over the place, burning things that shouldn't be burned, burning things I wanted to save. I jumped up (in a frantic state) and started grabbing for things I needed to save (my journal) and got increasingly more anxious as I tried to decide what to save and what to let burn. When suddenly it occurred to me that I could put the fire out.

That I could put the fire out.

So, I grabbed a hose, turned on the spigot and started blasting away at that fire! When I realized the faucet wasn't on full force, I turned the dial all the way up and, OH! THE POWER....the power in watching myself (with the help of my beautiful friend, the hose) put out those huge, jumping, burning flames. And when the water from that hose, from my hands, burned away all those flames, I stood there giddy as hell. Giddy and so very fully empowered.

This dream gave me so much insight that I don't have time to go fully into here. Let's just say that in the midst of this 41 days of creative/dream play--there are some serious things being brought to my awareness, some serious things wanting like hell to be burned away. This dream pointed to many of those things. It is being asked, insisted, that I stop dancing around this burning flame that is inside of me. (Thank you, Brooke, for giving me those just-right words.) I am being asked to jump in full force--with all the power inside of me. I am being called to LET GO of all that stands in my way. I am being called and it is so time to listen. To LISTEN.

Last night, before bed, after a pretty excruciating day of battling with my mind/with resistance/with so much I can't even name, I wrote this little letter to my mind/my thoughts. Here it is, raw and (mostly) unedited:

Dear thoughts,

Listen, you tight-assed bitches! (Insert image of me grabbing my thoughts by imaginary shirt collar.) I've had enough of you, seriously enough. You're outdated, out of style, out to lunch. You've seriously overstayed your welcome. Can you please just take a hike or go play in traffic. Feel free to jump off a bridge if you're so inclined. You're wearing on me and I'm tired.

You may feel you're being helpful, that you're keeping me safe, but, really, you're driving me batty. You're driving me to drink, to eat excessive Halloween candy, to pace, to snap, to obsess, to doubt, to second-guess my every move, to not begin, to stop in the midst of starting.

I'm a big girl now and I have a heart full of love that needs to be sprinkled around. I don't need you interfering anymore with what I know I'm here to do. I've got hands to hold, hearts to feed, words to write, pictures to paint.

I've got a Me to be.

I will no longer allow you to trespass on my dreams, on my heart. Feel free to gaze from afar as I take giant leaps in the direction of my bliss. Feel free to high-five me as I'm soaring in the lightness above you. Feel free to eat my dust. Just stay the hell off my property, you're not welcome here anymore. I raise my arms in surrender, I will not fight you anymore.

One voiceless voice...I'm all ears, all heart, all openness.

And I think after getting all that out, and, because I know there is no force more powerful than love, I can say...

In Peace & Love,

Julia

The Landscape of She

2011-11-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

She speeds up, devours, doubts

stumbles

from one page

to the next

she scours the landscape

in search

In search of what?

she is afraid

it won't be good or grand

she is afraid

she won’t know what’s next

she is afraid

she may never get there

What is it?

Where is there?

She forgets to sip

to slow, to return

to remember

She forgets

the whats and theres and its are

right here

in the hush between

in each poetic pulse

in every shade and shadow

of Now

Right Here

sheltered

in the weathered, waking

landscape

of She

* * *

These words came through this morning in the midst of avoidance. They came in the midst of scanning the web for something I can't name, in the midst of trembling fear & doubt & forgetting. They came in the midst of devouring a bit of Halloween candy (they were the bite-size kind, does that count?). They came when I stopped the restless scanning and scouring.

They came when, in the midst of it all, I showed up anyway.

Six Days In

2011-10-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes to have a beautiful, alive life, requires a willingness to be devastatingly frightened and confused. Magic comes from vulnerability and exploration, not from having guarantees up front. The juice comes from making things up--not from following a path that has been set down before us. Exhilaration doesn’t come cheap."
~Tama Kieves

Photographer unknown

Hello, beautiful, lovely ones,

First, I want to say how much I've appreciated hearing from so many of you, many of you who are doing your own 41creative/dream play. It seriously makes my day to receive your comments and emails--I feel such a sense of expansion when I learn of the beauty you are creating on your end. So, thank you so much for taking the time to connect & share.

I love the above words written by Tama Kieves--magic comes from vulnerability and exploration, not from having guarantees up front. As vulnerable as it has felt to sit down to create with no real agenda, it also feels beautifully invigorating and magical. Even though I've only committed to 30 minutes daily (15 minutes for art/ creativity & 15 minutes to playing with the creation of my book), once I sit down and begin, I find I become absorbed & invigorated and I almost always end up creating for longer (showing me that my resistance has truly been in the showing up part). So, my setting this intention has been a very good thing. There have been so many moments over the last six days when there were dozens of really good reasons for me to skip my creating time (tiredness, {seemingly} lack of time, children who thought they needed my attention right now, general life stuff)--but I've shown up anyway.

I don't know where any of this is going but this showing up for myself and trusting the process feels so so good. I am learning that absolutely everything is connected, everything. When I come to my creative time open & ready to receive and connect deeply, when I take the time to nurture myself by doing what I love, when I let go of trying to be good/trying to control the outcome, and just show up for my art, I show up more alive and whole and free in every aspect of my life.

I'll take aliveness over guarantees any day. The juice comes from making things up-not from following a path that has been set down before us--how true I'm finding this to be.

I would love to hear how you're doing.

♥ Julia

Letting Go of Good

2011-10-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

"A hidden wave of passion lies just below the surface of most people's lives, a passion yearning to be liberated from the paralyzing myths of talent, skill, accomplishment, success and failure, and just plain not being good enough. It is time to throw off the shackles, to reclaim that which every child knows and is taught to forget: the essential right to create without interference or shame." Michele Cassou (From her amazing book Life, Paint & Passion)

Gorgeous image borrowed from here

If you haven't yet read the above words, please read them now. If you have read them, I recommend reading them again--I'm going to do that now too.

Whew. These words have me all stirred up this morning...I can feel that fiery, soul-waking passion rising to the surface--flushing my cheeks, creating an image of me shouting this message from the tips of the clouds to the depths of the oceans so the whole wide world (including the sea creatures) can hear.

It is so clear to me that words/concepts like talent, skill, accomplishment, success, failure, not being good enough, are keeping us small, scared, hesitant, stuck, paralyzed. We are so afraid of not being good enough that we do not even let ourselves begin. Or we begin and then decide that we were absolutely right (that we're really not good enough). And so we stop. We leave the paints to dry out, the poem half written, the camera abandoned, left alone in the closet to fend for itself, the shiny new guitar gets shoved in a corner (wedged between the wall and the old rocking chair). The voice that wants so desperately to sing grows weak with silence.

We are so convinced that we don't have the "talent"(can we please please just forever banish that word from our vocabulary?), that we're not the "creative type," that we hold ourselves away from the very things that fuel/rejuvenate/invigorate/ heal/ empower/ awaken us.

I feel a deep sadness when I think of all the ways we hold ourselves away from what we love in the name of "good."

It's funny, I wasn't at all planning on coming here and writing about this this morning. I was going to write about how soft I feel inside. How, in the last two days since I started my 41 day thing, I've been showing up in the creative space soft and receptive. There's been a beautiful gentleness. I've allowed my creative time to be meditative and quiet. I've let go of the idea of product and simply let myself play. It's been a moment-by-moment beautiful unfolding.

And this softness reminds me of how painfully hard it has so often been. I know all too well what it's like to show up in the creative space feeling scared, constricted, grippy, hesitant, unsure, so worried of it (whatever it is) not being good enough that I stay there stuck, unable to move. I've felt this painful feeling so often that, to show up with softness/openness, with the intention of receiving, has felt so very sweet.

And then I think of others, precious friends of mine, beautiful, lovely people who I brush up against on the web, who won't allow themselves to begin or move forward because they're shackled by words like talent, skill, accomplishment, success, failure, not being good enough. And I just have this incredible urge to take all of those tender-hearted beauties in my arms (myself included) and whisper, ever so gently;

Shhhh, just let yourself be soft, open--quiet. This isn't about good. Let yourself receive what's already there-stirring deep inside. It's okay-it's already all there-just let it come through. Slow down. Listen. This isn't about good. Let go--let all the way go. Let yourself be cradled and held.

Trust the process. Trust that there is something beautiful there waiting for you, beyond the confines of your mind. This isn't about good. This is about loving and nurturing and honoring your sweet, one-of-a-kind self. It's about freedom & liberation. It's about connecting deeply, it's about opening to new ways of being/new perceptions. It's about play. It's about healing and stepping into all of who you've always been--not leaving any parts behind. It's about embracing the whole, beautiful essence of you.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT GOOD.

It's about letting love in. And out.

It's about connecting to that light in you, that light that only you can shine, so you can shine the twinkling beauty of it, of you, out in the world.

From my tender heart to yours,

Julia

It is Love that will Fuel it All

2011-10-26T23:01:00.000-07:00

"The time of the new moon is a time to breathe in deeply and move into a calm state of mind. In this state, you can watch your emotions come and go and not be affected by them. In this calmness, you begin to see your life more clearly; you begin to see what is possible." Michael Beard

Photo found here

I'm breathing deep breaths over here. Feeling clear, relieved that there is a sense of focus after yesterday's post and after day one of showing up for myself.

I can tell you right now that if I had not shown up here yesterday and declared my intentions, I would not have sat down with my oil pastels and sketch pad and allowed color to flow through me this afternoon. With how tired I was this evening, I wouldn't have dedicated fifteen+ minutes to playing with ideas for my book. This declaring is some powerful stuff. I'm feeling filled to the brim with gratitude that I have this space to share my longings, my struggles, my (occasional) silliness, my dreams, fears, desires, my creations. And that several of you ( ! ) are coming along on this ride with me...seriously grateful. And excited and scared and a little giddy.

And I feel trusting. Trusting that if I do my part to show up and simply begin, if I show up open & ready to receive and allow, spirit will work its magic.

Through this process, through this life, it is my intention

to be gentle. Soft. Allowing.

It is my intention to remember that I am safe and held and already enough. And that you are too.

It is my intention to let go of trying to control any of this with the littleness of me

It is my intention to remember that this can be fun & light & sparkly

It is my intention to open to possibility & abundance far greater than what I'm capable of imagining

It is my intention to remember that the only thing that matters is LOVE. Love for self. Love for others. Love for the beautiful and messy. It is love that will open & heal. It is love that will fuel it all.

It is my intention to shine my shine like the stars shine theirs...twinkly, brightly, without pause or hesitation, with nothing whatsoever in the way.

Here I am, at the end of day 1. Ready to sleep. Ready to wake up. Ready to begin again.

41 Days (YIKES!) of Creative/Dream Play

2011-10-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

"Even if we are not aware of it, each one of us longs to create, to manifest what is unique inside of us, to give it form. Freedom is necessary for pure creation to take place. The pressures and demands of an expected result must go. We need to re-enter the present by the simple act of being spontaneous. Intuition guides us. Trusting the flow that comes naturally is the magic of creation. The hidden, the mysterious, the sacred from within are revealed. Old patterns break. The natural movement of creation becomes part of our life. Passion sets in." Michele Cassou

I can tell it's time to do this because the thought of doing it, the butterfly-y/fluttery feeling that stirs my insides every time I consider doing it doesn't seem to be going away. It feels scary/out of my comfort zone/exciting/stretchy/intimidating. Did I mention scary? I keep wanting to put it off 'till later, I keep trying to find excuses for why this isn't a good time. My mind is saying things like--what if you can't do this every day? What if you disappoint yourself/others? How will you squeeze it in this week when the kids are off school for three days? Haven't you done enough 41 day things?

But here's what I say every time I do one of these 41 day things--when I commit here, when I declare aloud/set intentions/get clear....things happen. I actually follow through, I learn new things, I get out of my comfort zone and all kinds of beautifully unexpected, expansive things happen. And as much as I've tried to ignore/shake this idea, it doesn't seem to want to leave me alone. There is something deeper/something beyond my rational/scared mind that is trying to get my attention.

Oh, and get this....sometime in the middle of the night last night, as I was lying in bed with my eyes wide open, asking for guidance, trying to decide if I would move forward with this, I had the nudge to get out of bed and check my email. The first email I opened (from Neale Donald Walsh) said this...

On this day of your life, julia, I believe God wants you to know...

...that waiting to see what happens is not a very good

way to make decisions.

Not to decide is to decide. What are you deciding

right now by not deciding? What are you choosing

by failing to choose? Is this how you want to live

your life: by default?

It is time for you to made a decision. Do you need

a bigger signal than this?

I decided to take this as a sign.

So, here's the plan/the commitment. I will be focusing on two things that I deeply desire but continue to resist the hell out of...

To paint/create with freedom/abandon

and

To bring my book of poetry/art into the world.

I decided to focus on these two desires because, even though I absolutely love to paint & and even though I so want to bring my book of poetry/art out into the world, for some reason(fear), I continually resist sitting down and just beginning. I find that the more time I put these things off, the more the resistance/fear builds.

So, for 41 days I will dedicate a minimum of fifteen minutes a day to creative play. My focus will be fully on the process of creating, not the product. The idea is to get OUT OF THE WAY and allow whatever wants to come through to come through, to enter the present moment & allow intuition to be my guide. No rules. No expectations. No mistakes. I will be primarily focusing on painting & drawing (though this kind of spontaneous expression can be applied to any form of creation).

In addition to the 15 minutes of creative play, I will dedicate a minimum of 15 minutes to creating my book of poetry/art. I will do my best to simply show up with the intention of separating the creator and the editor. I will do my best to listen to what wants to come through me. I'm choosing 15 minutes because it seems doable and, typically, it's the getting myself to sit down and begin that's the greatest challenge. Often, once I sit down and get started, flow starts to happen and I stay put for much longer than the allotted time.

Here are the questions I will use to guide me along the way....

What would I create if I couldn't screw up?

What would I create if I/it didn't have to be good?

What would I create if I weren't worried about what others would think?

What would I create if I fully trusted in the process?

It is clear to me that I'm not interesting in painting/writing/creating a book for the sake of being "good" or "successful" (in the money making/status kind of way). I'm interested in painting/writing/creating a book because it brings me closer to spirit/God/Love/freedom/empowerment. It is my hope that in sharing this process with you, you will be inspired to do the same. This is where my heart is calling me.

I will plan on writing about this here (everything is so much more fun when shared with you beauties), though, my online time will most likely be less as I focus on my own creations.

I have heard that the new moon is a great time to set intentions (so that the energy of nature can help them to unfold and expand) and it just so happens that tomorrow is the new moon. So, tomorrow I will begin.

Yikes!

Okay, I've put this off long enough...I'm going to push "publish post" now. Here we go! Wanna play along with me? I think this is going to be fun!